


resplendere

by prettyoddity



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: About Time, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, TBS_soonhoon, Time Travel, idk this is terrible, there was an attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 05:30:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17656826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyoddity/pseuds/prettyoddity
Summary: There is only one identity of us we are aware of, but multiple that we don’t know. Infinite, even.Every you has loved at least once. Every me has loved at least once.And every Jihoon loves every Soonyoung, no matter what.an About Time!AU.





	resplendere

**Author's Note:**

> hellooo this is my entry for the big screen: soonhoonfest! had the hardest time ever writing this but i do hope you enjoy

For, you see, everyday I learn and grow to love you more,

Today greater than yesterday, and less than the day that will follow.

  
  


———

  
  


“This is stupid.”

 

There’s another set of knocks on his door, and at this point, Jihoon’s fucking had  _ enough _ . He’s sick of this.

 

He pulls out the a piece of paper that had been sitting in his envelope for a week now, and unlocks the door.

 

“Lee Jihoon! You—”

“—Save it,” Jihoon says firmly, holding out the resignation form in front of his boss’ face. “I fucking quit, man.”

The older man shakes his head, scoffing as he takes the paper. “I know you don’t mean that.”

“But I do,” Jihoon shrugs, tidying up the rest of his belongings and shoveling them into his backpack. “I really do. I quit.”

“You can’t just do this.”

“But I already am,” Jihoon mutters, rolling his eyes. “I filled it out and all. Even if you rip it apart,  _ I don’t care _ . I’m not gonna be working here anymore, whether you like it or not.”

“I’m gonna make you a big hit! Right? Remember, Jihoon?”

“Yeah, you said that, like, four years ago,” he spits out, gaze heated with anger he was sure it would melt a hole into the lens of his glasses. “And then proceeded to call all my works mediocre. And when I got back into acting and knew I had the potential for all these big fucking roles, you’d all just shoot me down again and start pushing me back to my scripts as if you liked any of them in the first place.”

“No, listen, we—“

“—Shut it, old man. I know I’m right,” Jihoon says with a sense of finality, and takes off his stupid employee jacket, throwing it on the floor. “I’m done,” he mumbles, before picking up the rest of his things.

 

He shoves past his boss— his former boss, rather— the frustration he had just let out adding an extra skid to his step as he walks out the building without looking back.

 

“Not today,” Jihoon tells himself, walking quickly to the bus stop. “Not today, Jihoon.”

  
  


———

  
  


Today, I quit my shitty job of four years. I don’t know if I ever want to take on acting again. Or playwriting, even. But I think my plans of moving to the city and getting a new job will pull through. I don’t regret quitting.

 

_ If there’s one day of my life that would be completely numb and off-limits to my ability, I would choose this day. _

  
  


———

  
  


Lee Jihoon possesses the power to travel back in time.

 

It’s nothing extreme, really. At least, to his extent. He only uses it to make a bad day better and push minor inconveniences out of the way. It’s not like he can travel back in time and kill Hitler or shag Cleopatra. That’s a stupid way to put it.

 

Think of it like this: go and picture one specific moment in time. A time from not too long ago that you yourself had personally experienced. Picture it and relive everything about it as much as you can. Focus on each feeling, sound, sensation, and vision. Then wait for a few moments before opening your eyes, and  _ bam _ !

 

You’ve now been transported to that same timeline, replacing the you from that time with the present version of yourself. Pretty cool, you’d guess. It’s no rocket science, but it does, in fact, unexplainably defy the laws of science itself— based on Jihoon’s knowledge, at least.

 

Of course, not just anybody could try doing that and make it happen. Time travel, well, to most belief, is a fictional concept made for all those supernatural fantasy genres of storytelling. (Except maybe to those conspiracy theorists and their fanatics and wannabes.)

 

The hard concept to grasp here is not the feeling of awe or disbelief towards the real existence of it, but rather the feeling of overwhelm or fear when applying it and seeing the actual ways it can change and affect life.

 

Jihoon learned of his ability unintentionally, at the age of 12.

 

Having witnessed a fight break out between his friend and a bully, middle schooler Lee Jihoon runs off to the boys’ restroom. Ashamed of not having stood in between them and getting his friend into trouble, with bruises and cuts on him, Jihoon thinks long and hard about his actions and regrets— things he could have done or words he could have said— if only he had been braver.

 

The next thing he knew, gone was the afternoon sunlight streaming through the windows. His wristwatch told him it was nearing noon, just around the time before the fight happened earlier today. The school bell rings, and Jihoon’s sent into confusion, watching students pile out of their rooms with books and lunch in their hands, as if he didn’t just see most of them leave the campus minutes ago.

 

A few moments after, he hears a group of students chant “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

 

Jihoon runs the fastest he ever has in his life, more so than all his home runs, and arrives to the scene just on time.

 

Let’s just say he got suspended for a week, ended up with a slightly swollen right eye, and punched someone for the first time. His parents were  _ not _ happy.

 

Moving on from that, as he had been growing up with this unusual ability, Jihoon realized that time traveling did require a lot of planning. It’s not something one could do because they just felt like doing it. It would be an incredibly reckless action, especially considering how much further away that time you jumped back to would be from the present.

 

In Jihoon’s case, he had to learn this, unfortunately, the hard way.

 

It’s not easy to come up with excuses to your parents as to why your hair suddenly cut itself, nor is it easy to explain to some friends how your hormonal acne breakout disappeared overnight just in time for a class pictorial.

 

After all, being an adopted child with parents unrelated to your blood could barely explain any of your suspected inherited traits. Jihoon had no idea why this phenomenon was happening to him, and seemingly only  _ him _ . How was he supposed to know if this was normal or not?

 

Eventually, his parents saw through his many fatal time traveling mishaps, talked to him about his weird antics and behaviors— and that’s how he learned the truth: his real family had mentioned something about him possibly gaining an odd ability at a certain age, specifically being time travel. His adoptive parents had been, of course, skeptical, but kept it a secret in mind nonetheless. They never thought they’d learn that Jihoon’s family weren’t actually cuckoo, or that it would seriously apply to their adopted son— but here they are now.

 

Jihoon thought a lot about whether he should reset that timeline and make his parents never have to know anything about it, but he decided against it in the end. He knew they would always end up finding out anyway.

 

So, since then, Jihoon concluded that exceptions had to be set and rules had to be followed. If he was going to be stuck with this time travel business for God-knows-how-long, or maybe even for the rest of his life, he’d better make the most out of it and learn how to use it wisely.

  
  


———

  
  


“You’re really leaving soon, then?”

 

Jihoon’s laying on his stomach, then pries his eyes away from his laptop to look up at his mother in the doorway.

 

“Yeah,” he mutters, with a sad smile. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” she immediately says, walking over to sit next to him. “I’m proud of you.”

“Because you have to be,” Jihoon reasons exasperatedly. “You don’t have to say that when you’re not.”

“But I really am, Jihoon. I am. Both of us are… Just— you do deserve a better future out there somewhere else.”

Jihoon sighs, sitting upright and closing his laptop. “...Thank you for understanding. I promise I’ll send money every end of the month, and I’ll visit Dad whenever I can, and— and I’ll even eat lunch with you on my off days! Weekends good? Every week? Maybe twice a week, then I can go to the hospital after that and maybe monitor the shop for a while too—”

“—Jihoon,” his mother smiles, placing a hand on his shoulder. “There’s no need to fuss. Anytime is good for me and your Dad. Things go by faster out there than back here. Don’t worry too much about it— you have all the time in the world.”

Jihoon blinks at her, before breaking out into a nervous chuckle. “I wish I did. I know you know it’s not that easy, but I’ll do what I can,” he says, with a reassuring smile. “We’ll do what we can, like we always have. Right?”

“That’s right,” she nods, patting him on the head, before standing up. “You go back to whatever you’ve been up to. You’ve already bought a place to stay at, right?”

“Yeah, I found an alright unit at a good apartment complex,” he says, before opening his laptop again, the faint light coming from the screen reflected on his glasses. “The upkeep is a bit…  _ you know _ , but I’ll manage. I can work two jobs at once! No big deal. I’m pretty much already accepted at the publishing house, I just need to find some other business to get myself into. It won’t be anything fishy, don’t worry.”

His mother sighs. “I trust that you’ll take care of yourself, Jihoon,” she chides lightly. “I’m going to go back to the shop and assist the workers. Just call me if you need me for anything, okay?”

“Yeah,” Jihoon says, as she leaves his room.

 

Less than a week from now, he leaves for the city. Being himself and trying to be normal will be harder than ever, now that he’ll be all on his own. Jihoon’s been in this small town all twenty-eight years of his life, his own dreams having always been too big for these familiar people around him, too big for this place he’s finally decided to grow out of.

 

Hell, it would be a crime not to call this big change long overdue. He should’ve gotten himself fired years ago. Jihoon’s heard  _ every _ type of excuse possible for four years. Bullshit like: he looks “too innocent”, isn’t “tall enough for the role”, his voice “doesn’t suit the songs”, or simply just “needs to practice more”. He’s been practicing all his life, damn it!

 

Yeah, he has. Practicing all his life, believing he’s meant to be on the stage, wanting to be seen and heard up out there in the spotlight— when in reality, he hasn’t even been given enough opportunities. It’s been cruel to him.

 

Maybe it’s not what he’s meant to be doing after all. No matter what part of fate he changes through his ability to time travel, it’s always never enough. And if he had ever succeeded— getting accepted into an audition, convincing his boss to get him the main role, making the final cut for the cast— it’s always never satisfactory. It’s nothing different from cheating— he already knows what’s going to happen and what won’t, anyway. It doesn’t feel well-deserved at all. And that’s what Jihoon hates the most.

 

“If I’m going to move forward and leave this part of my life behind, so be it. I’m simply just going to do what I’ve always been doing,” Jihoon mumbles to himself.

 

It shouldn’t be that hard. He’s barely got anything to lose.

 

Right?

  
  


———

  
  


“Thanks a lot,” Jihoon nods, offering glasses of water to some moving helpers that his mother had insisted he have with him once he move into his new place. It’s unnecessary, he first thought, since he doesn’t really have  _ that much _ stuff, and he can just go back a few trips.

 

However, Jihoon forgets that having only stairs as the means to get to his unit is no easy job. The men give some curt smiles, and Jihoon bids them goodbye before they’re out the door. He had already moved in yesterday, and now they just delivered the rest of his stuff. He literally only had the bed and the fridge set up last night.

 

The whole of his apartment’s area has a lot of buildings— Jihoon’s not even sure how many— dividing groups of units separately from one another. Each cluster only has 5 floors, and Jihoon’s place is on the 4th floor of Cluster C. The area isn’t just one tall and wide building with tiny windows everywhere that make it nearly impossible to know which unit is yours. It’s simply just a much more arranged place than most of the busy city apartments around here.

 

Jihoon texts his mom to tell her the only thing he has left to do is unpack his bags and boxes, then everything’s all good.

 

He flops down onto his couch when his phone vibrates, his Dad’s caller ID appearing as an incoming call on his screen. Jihoon’s about to accept the call, but he hears a few knocks on his door.

 

Huh. That’s strange. It better not be any of the workers— his mom already paid them in advance, and he even tipped them.

 

Jihoon declines the call, shooting a quick text that he hopes reads “wait gonna call back later”.

 

He scrambles up off the sofa and onto his feet to get to the door— even nearly falling on his butt in the process— and, much to his dismay, realizes he has to stand up on his toes to look into the peephole. Who the fuck designed this? Can he, like, talk to them?

 

When he does manage to peer into it, there’s a man standing outside. He’s not wearing the same uniform as the workers, so Jihoon gets confused even more. He has jet black hair, and Jihoon finds him oddly familiar.

 

He shrugs, and opens the door anyway, revealing…

 

“Oh! Good afternoon.”

 

Jihoon blanks out, blinking at the man in front of him.

 

The man, though a good few inches taller than him, shrinks in embarrassment when Jihoon doesn’t seem to show any sign of recognition on his face. He touches his nape, eyes darting anywhere but on Jihoon’s face.

 

Jihoon blinks once more, shaking his head, and immediately bows. “Oh, sorry. What can I do for you?”

The other man sends him a smile. “I heard about a certain Lee Jihoon moving in. At first, I didn’t mind it much, but when I saw a guitar and a keyboard brought in, I knew it had to be you.”

 

Click, the gears in Jihoon’s head go.

 

“Oh, my god! Kwon Soonyoung, yeah— f-from high school!”

“I can’t believe you’ve forgotten about me.”

Jihoon shakes his head frantically. “No, no, I swear I haven’t! I’m really sorry,” he bows. “I just— um, have a lot on my mind— hell, I got two hours of sleep last night, and I’ve been functioning off of shit coffee for the past few hours, so, like, I’m a bit—”

Soonyoung laughs brightly, placing both hands on his shoulders. “It’s fine, I was just joking.”

Jihoon flushes. “Y-Yeah… It’s nice to see you again. I didn’t expect anyone I knew to be here. I would let you inside, but I literally haven’t unpacked anything.”

“I can help, if you’d like,” Soonyoung offers, peeping inside.

 

“Ah, it’s really not worth the trouble,” Jihoon chuckles, closing the door behind him. “I don’t really have anything to do tonight or the next few days, so it’s fine.”

Soonyoung only hums, as if contemplating something. “Alright. If you’re free tomorrow night, come over and have some dinner with me?”

Jihoon blinks. “...Why?”

“Why not?” Soonyoung shoots back. “It’d be nice to catch up, and I’m busy most of the time. It just so happens that I’m clear for tomorrow. Think of it as a welcoming party! Come on.”

“Um…” Jihoon mumbles, fiddling with the strings of his hoodie. He hasn’t seen Soonyoung since a small high school reunion in his college freshman year, which was only for a few hours. Sure, he’d see him on social media on some rare occasions, but nothing beat seeing him in person after, what? Nine whole fucking years? Jihoon wasn’t sure if his introverted ass could handle casually catching up with someone he hadn’t seen in that long. Hell, he even used to send Soonyoung “Happy Birthday” and “Merry Christmas” texts for a few years and got the same responses back, only stopping when no replies ever came again. He didn’t bother to ask for his new number.

 

“I’m having ramyeon.”

 

Jihoon nearly chokes at the implication, but decides to think of it as a friendly, genuine invitation, judging by the taller man’s kind smile. Jihoon almost wants to hit himself by thinking dirty.

 

“...Alright. I’ll go.”

Soonyoung beams. “Great,” he says. “8PM okay for you? 7:30?”

Jihoon nods. “7:30’s good.”

“My unit is on the floor below, by the way. It’s 135.”

“Got it,” Jihoon smiles. “Thank you.”

“It’s no problem,” Soonyoung says, running a hand through his hair. “I should get going. I’ll see you around tomorrow, yeah?”

Jihoon turns to open his door. “Yeah. Bye.”

“Bye!”

 

Once he’s inside, Jihoon has to hold back a yell.

 

First of all, how is Soonyoung so nice to him? Secondly, how come he can’t stop thinking of Soonyoung’s ramyeon offer as code for a booty call? And lastly,  _ why is he still so fucking good-looking _ ?

 

Jihoon lays back down on his couch frustratedly.

 

Soonyoung was his first boyfriend.

 

It was in their second year of high school, though, way before he came out (which he did in college), so it was never anything serious.

 

It lasted for a few months, and no one knew but them. They were just kinda bored. He and Soonyoung were friends, and they were both curious.. Simple, right?

 

Well, maybe if you take away the fact that they were each other’s first kiss and Soonyoung was the first boy to ever touch him (they never went beyond that, though)— then it’s no big damn deal!

 

_ Calm your tits, Jihoon _ , he thinks. They’re both responsible, mature adults. That happened a long time ago. It’s a distant, adolescent memory. Maybe Soonyoung’s not even into dudes anymore. After all, you tend to be confused when you’re a teenager. Maybe he’s even in a happy relationship with someone!

 

(Jihoon hopes he actually isn’t.)

 

But one thing’s for sure. Jihoon just hopes he doesn’t fuck it up.

  
  


———

  
  


The next night, four minutes before the discussed time, Jihoon’s messing with his dark brown hair, already standing in front of the unit with the number 135 engraved on the door.

 

He takes one last look down his clothes— grey shorts that reach above his knees, black slippers, and a black hoodie above a white shirt. He looked simple enough, hoping it was appropriate attire. Fixing his specs, he hoped he looked decent enough, though, face-wise— he had barely gotten any sleep last night. It wasn’t easy to sleep in a place you’ve yet to call your home.

 

Jihoon buries one hand into his pocket, and knocks on the door with the other. It opens almost immediately.

 

“Hey,” Soonyoung greets with a smile.

 

“Hey,” Jihoon says back, and Soonyoung lets him in. “You sure I’m not too early?”

“Nah,” Soonyoung dismisses, gesturing Jihoon to follow him once the latter took off his slippers by the doorstep. He should’ve worn sneakers so he had socks underneath, damn it. Jihoon notices the pink rain boots, yellow sneakers, black shoes with small bows over it and other pairs of small footwear on a rack separate from shoes that all looked like they belonged to Soonyoung— but decides not to question them.

 

Maybe Soonyoung had a girlfriend with freakishly tiny feet? Or he had a younger sibling or relative living with him? Worst case scenario, maybe this guy was a ped—

 

“—In fact, it’s nice to be early,” Soonyoung says, snapping him out of his thoughts. “I don’t know, I feel like it’s a polite gesture. And even better for you while the food’s still hot!”

 

Jihoon laughs, hoping his spacing out hadn’t been obvious. It’s only then when he realizes what Soonyoung’s wearing— a goddamn apron over a white sleeveless top and black sweatpants— accentuating his toned arms and tan skin.

 

Fuck, would Jihoon tap that.

 

He flushes, deciding to distract himself with the surroundings. It’s actually pretty clean and feels homely.

 

“You think so?”

Jihoon blinks. He probably mumbled that without realizing— a bad habit— so he just nods. “Yeah. And the food smells good.”

“Thank you,” Soonyoung beams, heading to the kitchen. “You can wash your hands here, I’ll just be serving this. Then go sit on the table, okay?”

“Okay,” he says, following Soonyoung, then sits on the table after washing his hands.

 

Once they’re ready to eat, Soonyoung tells him to go dig in first, as he turns on the radio. Jihoon complies, scooping a lot of rice onto his plate, because, of course— free food, hell yeah.

 

“How’ve you been, Jihoon-ah? What brings you to the city?”

Oh, that. “I… I don’t know. Been alright, not much happening. I got tired of the town. And I quit my job, so, there’s that.”

Before inhaling his food, Soonyoung asks, “Didn’t you major in Language in college?”

Jihoon nods, surprised he remembered. “Yeah. And a few more years for a minor in Theatrical Arts. Which is why I’m gonna take up some writing and editing jobs here, put that Language major to some use. The upkeep here is no joke, though, so I’m looking to find a few other part-times, probably.”

Soonyoung hums in acknowledgement. “I work for an estate agency. You know— an office job with all that management and marketing crap. Pretty boring and busy, but I love my coworkers, and it pays well, and I work hard even if I dislike it— so I could probably never leave,” he chuckles.

 

_ That must be nice _ , Jihoon thinks, as he gobbles down the food, the heat fogging his glasses up. He puts his utensils down to wipe them, feeling Soonyoung watch him. He coughs when he finishes cleaning them. “This is… pretty good, really. The food, I mean.”

Soonyoung smiles shyly, his eyes upturned. “Thanks.”

“I remember— in high school, you used to be in the home economics club, but you couldn’t cook for shit,” Jihoon laughs. “Our teacher would be proud of this.”

“It’s not like you were any better,” the other teases.

 

“I was so bad,” Jihoon recalls. “I still am, to be fair. But my cooking still ends up edible, so I don’t really care.”

 

Soonyoung chuckles at this, and they eat in comfortable silence for the rest of meal, chattering over small things.

 

Jihoon tries to be as honest as possible with Soonyoung’s inquiries, finding himself enjoying the man’s company and enthusiastic stories, the faint tunes from the radio making him unconsciously tap his feet and hum to the melody.

 

A Bruno Mars song comes up, and Jihoon closes his eyes, singing softly beneath his breath before he realizes it.

 

“...You’re so cute.”

 

The smaller man’s eyes immediately snap open, feeling himself turn red as he finds Soonyoung looking right at him.

 

Doesn’t this feel like a date?

 

“S-Sorry,” Jihoon mumbles, clearing his throat before taking a sip of his water.

 

Soonyoung looks away sheepishly, coughing as he picks the dishes up. “I’ll go take these to the sink.”

“I’ll help,” Jihoon offers, standing up.

 

They reach for the same plate at the same time, fingers brushing, and Jihoon doesn’t know if he wants to fucking chuck the plate or himself or Soonyoung out the window. Maybe even all at the same time.

 

What is this? Some cheesy romance drama? Fuck, Jihoon knows he hasn’t been in any serious relationships in years, but this nervous fluttering is too fast for someone he’s just met again.

 

They meet gazes, feeling Soonyoung’s free hand hold his waist, and Jihoon almost fights back the urge to jump the guy.

 

He exhales deeply, looking down. “Actually, can I use your bathroom?”

Soonyoung blinks down at him. “Alright,” he says, nodding towards a door by the kitchen. “It’s over there.”

“Thanks,” he calls, walk-running to it.

 

Jihoon closes the toilet lid, sitting on it after pulling his phone out.

 

**hooon**

ok

so you know i’ve just moved in

and i’m having dinner with a dude i knew from high school

 

**kim mingDUMB**

is he hot

or gay

 

**hooon**

yes to the 1st but the 2nd…..

let’s just say i hope so

anyway im hiding in his bathroom

kinda wanna get laid…………..

but trying not to panic cause i might be reading him totally wrong

 

**kim mingDUMB**

do it coward

what you eat at his anyway

 

**hooon**

...jjajjangmyeon

 

**kim mingDUMB**

bitch TF

are u joking???

he’s totally asking for it

do

it

doooo ittt

that pickup line is so like two years ago but wtvr if he’s cute and nice do it!!!

hey

are you still there

 

**hooon**

yeah brb

 

**kim mingDUMB**

yeah brb my ass i bet you won’t be replying til the morning ;)

 

Jihoon scoffs at his friend’s text, rolling his eyes lightheartedly.

 

He leaves the bathroom, walking out and finding Soonyoung’s back faced to him, washing dishes over the sink.

 

He sits on Soonyoung’s couch, figuring it might have been rude to leave without a proper goodbye and thanks. The lack of sleep is seriously starting to kick in now, his eyes already drooping when it’s only a quarter to 9.

 

He thought he could use a power nap for a few minutes, closing his eyes, until he feels a light touch graze the side of his face not too long after.

 

Jihoon sits up, startled, pushing his specs back up to the bridge of his nose. Soonyoung laughs quietly. “I think I woke you up. Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jihoon mutters, embarrassed. Soonyoung sits beside him, and Jihoon decides to keep himself rational. “Which reminds me,” he stands up. “I should head back now. Don’t want me suddenly falling asleep here. I’m a heavy sleeper.”

Jihoon hopes he had just imagined Soonyoung’s small falter in expression. “Okay. I can walk you back.”

“I appreciate it, but you’ve already done a lot,” Jihoon declines, bowing his head. “The meal was really good, so, thank you, seriously.”

“You’re welcome,” the other smiles. “Thanks for the company. Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Maybe,” Jihoon smiles back. “Have a good night.”

“You too.”

 

When Jihoon arrives to his apartment, closing the door behind him, he realizes he’s made the wrong choice.

 

Fuck, there was an opportunity  _ right there in front of him _ that he might never get again. What was he always so afraid of? Did it comfort him too much to not take risks because he knew he could do it all over again as much as he liked?

 

Jihoon knows he promised himself not to travel back in time unless faced with an emergency, especially now that he’s moved to the city, but  _ damn it _ — running away from the possibility of having sex with a hot, kind, boyfriend material, potentially single man was an  _ emergency _ .

 

He closes his eyes.

 

And after a few moments of darkness, he finds himself with his phone in hand, the messages he had sent Mingyu a few minutes ago now non-existent, as he sits on the cold toilet lid of Soonyoung’s bathroom once more.

 

Let’s do it this way.

  
  


———

  
  


Jihoon leaves the bathroom, walking out and finding Soonyoung’s back faced to him, washing dishes over the sink.

 

It’s still the same scene.

 

He decides to walk over to the taller man.

 

“Hey,” he greets, nudging him. “Can I help?”

Soonyoung nods happily. “You can dry these,” he says, gesturing to the clean, still wet utensils next to a drying cloth.

 

Jihoon pulls his sleeves up, doing his task diligently. He doesn’t feel sleepy at all, for some reason. From the corner of his eye, he can already feel Soonyoung staring at him.

 

“What is it?”

His peripheral vision tells him Soonyoung goes back to focus on the dishes. “Just… looking. There’s nothing wrong with that!”

Jihoon laughs. He’s cute. “I know. Just asked.”

“I haven’t seen you since the reunion from freshman year, so,” Soonyoung trails off. “I don’t know. I just think about how you’ve changed.”

Jihoon purses his lips. “Well, if you mean vertically, I barely grew.”

It’s Soonyoung’s turn to laugh. “I’m actually glad. Somehow, I can’t imagine you tall. You’re cute as you are. The glasses suit you too.”

Jihoon rolls his eyes, hoping it hides the blush on his face. “Stop flirting with me, you asshole.”

Soonyoung chuckles. “It’s called a compliment, but alright.”

 

Soonyoung hands him the rest of clean plates, and Jihoon dries them, placing them back into the proper drawers and cabinets, having to occasionally ask Soonyoung where a few particular ones were to be placed.

 

(Jihoon also doesn’t ask about the children’s lunchbox next to the microwave, nor the purple container with giraffe designs with matching purple utensils and plastic purple cup.)

 

When Jihoon closes the last drawer, he feels a hand on his shoulder. Jihoon blinks, and then feels Soonyoung bury his head on his other shoulder. Jihoon tenses up when Soonyoung’s arms move to wrap around his waist.

 

Fuck, fuck,  _ fuck _ . Does this mean he had been right all along?

 

“...Soonyoung?”

“Hm?”

“What are you doing?”

 

He feels Soonyoung lift his head, so Jihoon removes one of Soonyoung’s arms from his waist, turning his head to face him. Soonyoung looks at him shyly.

 

“Not much. But I’d like to do you.”

 

No, no,  _ shit _ . (Yes, yes, shit!)

 

He sucks in a breath. “You are one smooth fucking talker, Kwon Soonyoung.”

The said man smiles. “So I’ve been told.”

“...Okay,” Jihoon whispers, turning his back to the counter to completely face Soonyoung. He flushes at the proximity, also at how the difference in their height had increased since he last remembered it. Hell, his forehead reaches only a little below Soonyoung’s lips now.

 

“Okay,” Soonyoung says back. Jihoon feels like him from the past timeline would highly disapprove of this hesitation and cowardice, so he goes  _ fuck, I’m just going to do it _ .

 

Jihoon stands on the tips of his toes, closing his eyes, and captures Soonyoung’s lips.

 

The latter’s hands move, eyes fluttering shut as well. His one hand shoots up to Jihoon’s nape to pull him in closer, and the other on Jihoon’s arm, whose hand was on his own hip. Soonyoung leans down slightly to ease the smaller into the kiss, and Jihoon slowly stands back on the heels of his feet again when they’ve adjusted into a better position.

 

They momentarily pull away for breath, and Jihoon swears his brain has turned into mush by how he’s blushing so much.

 

Soonyoung pulls his chin up, placing a hungrier kiss on his lips. Jihoon lets out a small sound of surprise from how eager a kisser Soonyoung is, his glasses bumping into the latter’s nose. Strong arms wrap around him, and the next thing Jihoon knows— he’s been lifted and sat  _ onto the kitchen counter _ .

 

(Jihoon secretly finds it hot.)

 

The taller man’s hands enter beneath his hoodie and plays with his shirt, Jihoon letting out a quiet gasp when the warm hands touch his bare skin. Soonyoung takes this as a chance to enter his tongue into the other’s mouth.

 

It’s hot and warm and  _ so good _ that Jihoon can’t find himself doing anything but comply, so he does. He tilts his head slightly for a better angle, then brings both arms to rest on Soonyoung’s shoulders, by his neck. The guy’s a pretty great kisser. Jihoon hasn’t enjoyed making out with someone this much in a long time.

 

Soonyoung pulls away, panting, and Jihoon leans forward to attack his neck. The former lets out a small moan, and  _ fuck _ , would Jihoon very much like to hear more of that. He moves one of Soonyoung’s arms to touch his bare leg. Soonyoung’s hand brushes over the smooth skin, roaming by the hem of his shorts, and he pats his thigh gently, the warmth of his hand enough to make Jihoon melt.

 

Jihoon places kisses up his jaw, not-so-subtly rubbing his leg up against his crotch, gaining him a low groan and a tighter grip on his leg and shoulder from the other man. Jihoon smirks into Soonyoung’s skin when the latter grips him beneath his thighs, wrapping the smaller boy’s legs around his waist.

 

They connect lips again, deep and lustful, both of them muffling their moans into each other’s mouths when Soonyoung presses their hardening erections together. Jihoon’s hands are roaming everywhere, and Soonyoung grunts when he tugs up on Soonyoung’s top.

 

Soonyoung lifts him up again, off the counter this time, somehow navigating through the place even when they’re all over each other, and to a closed room Jihoon assumes is his.

 

The smaller man giggles when Soonyoung distractedly walks into the door, almost dropping him. Soonyoung laughs too, his body on top of Jihoon’s after he had laid him down.

 

They share another kiss, then Jihoon takes his specs off to place them somewhere, before raising his arms up, Soonyoung pulling his hoodie up excitedly.

 

“S-Soonyoung, I’m fucking stuck,” Jihoon laughs out, his head caught in the clothes.

 

Soonyoung chuckles, gently taking it off by his head, and it’s only then that he gets to take a good look at Jihoon again.

 

His face is flushed from all the profuse blushing, plump red lips slightly quivering. Even with the cold weather, there’s a thin sheen of sweat sticking to his forehead, soft brown hair sticking up everywhere from the hoodie fiasco. His toned chest heaves lightly to catch up on some breaths, the outline of his collar bones visible from beneath the thin white t-shirt, the skin there pale and flawless, that the thought of marking hues of red, purple and blue all over it drives Soonyoung wild.

 

“Can you still see me clearly?”

“I’m nearsighted, Soonyoung. In fact, everything else is blurry but you.”

 

With that, Soonyoung goes to do just what his brain had been bothering him to do, licking and sucking at the soft skin, while simultaneously palming and rubbing Jihoon through his shorts. The other tenses at the foreign feeling, squirming as he finds himself gripping onto Soonyoung— it’s been a seriously long time since any of his hook-ups have been this passionate.

 

He keeps his eyes shut tight the entire time, eyebrows furrowed, biting his lips, face flushed scarlet adorably. When he feels Soonyoung still, there’s a deep chuckle above him.

 

“You are so cute, Lee Jihoon.”

Jihoon feels more blood rush to his ears. “...I’m really not.”

He feels Soonyoung poke his cheek. “You’re blushing a lot and reacting to the slightest touches like an overeager teenage boy. You don’t know how fucking  _ delectable _ you look with the different colors I made bloom around your neck.”

Jihoon opens his eyes slowly, meeting Soonyoung’s, burning with desire. “Don’t talk about me like that. It’s… embarrassing. I just haven’t done this in a while.”

Soonyoung smirks. “That just makes me want to ruin you even more.”

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “You are so goddamn cocky, you know that? You’re lucky I’m letting it pass tonight.”

The other only laughs, taking off his top. “Surely I’m not the only one who got lucky, Jihoon.”

“Just cut to the good part,” Jihoon demands. “You talk too much. Show me how much you want to ruin me, then.”

Soonyoung laughs amusedly. “You’re just as cocky as I am,” he comments, before working on taking Jihoon’s shorts off. “Aye, aye, captain.”

 

Jihoon wants to hit him so bad, but he could care less about that and maybe just do it some other time— all Jihoon would like for now is to lose himself in this questionably beautiful man in front of him— even if it’s just for a little while.

 

To feel a surge of many sensations at once is all Jihoon needs to feel a little human sometimes, too.

 

He doesn’t even realize that Soonyoung has still been blabbering about something while rummaging through his nightstand’s drawers.

 

“Ah, there it is!” Soonyoung cheers, retrieving something with his hand. “I thought—”

Jihoon pulls him down impatiently. “—Just fucking shut up and kiss me.”

 

Soonyoung stills before he does, and when their lips do meet again, tongues wet and mouths hot, crotches creating pleasurable friction against each other, breathing equally uneven in between messy kisses— Jihoon temporarily pushes away the guilt of letting his yearning control him, the guilt of abusing his power just to get  _ this _ , this selfish feeling of feeling wanted and lusted for. Jihoon shuns all those thoughts out and focuses only on Soonyoung— mesmerizing, sinful, addictive— and he knows he doesn’t want to stop anytime soon.

 

(He feels sorry for Soonyoung in advance.)

 

_ Please don’t hate me _ , Jihoon thinks, before letting his wants take over him completely, mind hazy and defenses lowered, as he drowns in Soonyoung’s warmth.

  
  


———

  
  


“Oh, holy  _ crap _ .”

 

The string of curses that follow that voice sound in Jihoon’s head, making him grumble, his once peaceful sleep now disturbed. Scrunching his face, he shifts his position on the bed, soft mattress beneath him and smooth covers against his bare skin—

 

Wait, fuck, his bed isn’t even  _ this _ nice. He can’t be naked and not be shivering in the cold late autumn— he doesn’t even have a heater in his room.

 

Peeling his eyes open, Jihoon slowly lifts his body off the bed, but immediately falls back.

 

Damn, did his hips hurt. His thighs feel sore, like he had just ran a few kilometers for three hours. There’s a faint ache in his back, accompanied by a pounding in his head.

 

Well, shit. He was absolutely fucked— both in the literal and figurative sense.

 

Three days after moving to the city and he had already slept with someone— an old friend he knew, even— Jihoon doesn’t know if he should feel ashamed or proud. It might be best to feel both.

 

The rustling about in the room brings him out of his trance. He decides to bring his head up. He can see— fuck, he can barely see anything.

 

Jihoon manages to blindly find his glasses placed on the nightstand, and once he puts them on, sitting upright, he can see Soonyoung walk in through the doorway.

 

He flushes, having the nerve to pull the blanket higher up his chest like some pure virgin who had his innocence stolen— as if he hadn’t done any funny business the previous night.

 

“Hey there,” Soonyoung says after a few moments, an expression of distress evident on his face. Jihoon wonders why.

 

“H-Hey,” he croaks out, cringing at the rasp in his morning voice. “What’re you stressing over so early up?”

“Oh, you don’t wanna know,” Soonyoung replies grimly, taking his shirt off to change into something else.

 

Jihoon splutters, forgetting what he was supposed to reply, looking away with the blush of a madman all over his face.

 

He clears his throat. “You don’t scare me. What’s up? Maybe I could help…” Jihoon drifts off.

 

Soonyoung sighs. “I got a text last night that I had completely forgotten about. My… my, uh— I mean— apparently I have to pick someone up earlier than I was supposed to.”

Jihoon blinks. “Oh, relax— I’m sure they can wait.”

“That’s the thing,” Soonyoung groans. “I have to get to the station in 30 minutes and I  _ always _ pick her up early and I have to bring her food too and she would not be happy if I arrived late—”

 

She? This person must be important to him. Jihoon deflates, his headache bothering him even more. He doesn’t even realize that Soonyoung’s stopped talking.

 

“Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll understand,” he manages to half-ass out. “...Who is she, anyway?”

“Oh, just my daughter.”

“Oh, just your… wait, what the  _ fuck _ ?!”

 

Soonyoung only looks at him blankly.

 

Three days after moving to the city and he had already slept with someone— an attractive guy who already has a  _ family _ of his own.

 

Jihoon panics, scanning the floor for any trace of his clothes. “Oh, god, oh  _ god _ — where are my fucking clothes— what am I doing— ow, shit, my legs feel all wobbly, what’d you do to me?” he snarls, looking at Soonyoung accusingly.

 

He’s met with something hitting his face,  making him almost fall off the bed from surprise. Oh. His clothes.

 

He stands up, ignoring the pain as his body refuses, slipping them on quickly.

 

(He doesn’t even notice the other man in the room check him out subtly, his cheeks coloring.)

 

Jihoon grunts, running a hand through his hair once he pulls his hoodie back on. “You have a daughter?!”

Soonyoung nods, flushing. “Yeah. She’s called Yuna. She’s eight years old.”

“Oh, my god,” Jihoon says under his breath.

 

“What? You didn’t notice anything around the house that could belong to a kid? Too busy thinking about me, were you—”

“—Actually shut up!” Jihoon nearly yells, though the red of his face seems more like embarrassment than anger. “I— I did! It’s called respect, asshole. I just didn’t ask about it because you never mentioned it. I just thought— I don’t know…”

Soonyoung laughs. “You’re so cute.”

Jihoon throws a pillow at him, hitting him square on the face. “Shut up! You— I am  _ ashamed _ of sleeping with the likes of a cheater!” he cries out.

 

_ What do I fucking do? Do I put ‘homewrecker’ as one of my previous jobs on my resumés now? Do I have to move far away again? Like, I don’t know, Japan? I don’t think I can ever face anybody else ever again? What the fuc _ —

 

“You’re talking to yourself again.”

Jihoon angrily stomps out the room, dizzy from the embarrassment. “I’m leaving. I hope you and your daughter and her mother get back safely.”

 

Soonyoung chuckles, and Jihoon rolls his eyes. He has the  _ audacity _ to find it funny?

 

“For the record, I’m pretty single,” the voice behind him says sheepishly once he’s putting his slippers on. “She visited  _ my _ mother— her grandma. No cheating here whatsoever. I’m raising her all alone. It’s not a walk in the park, mind you.”

 

Oh.

 

Jihoon kind of feels bad?

 

After all, it’s not like Soonyoung had taken advantage of him and forced him into what happened last night. If anything, Jihoon went as far as to  _ go back in time _ just to do it.  _ He even initiated the goddamn kiss. _

 

God, he’s so stupid.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Jihoon faces him, bowing. “That was really insensitive of me to say.”

“It’s okay, really.”

Jihoon shakes his head. “I seriously apologize. I assumed too quickly.”

“Okay. I forgive you. It didn’t even hurt me, don’t worry.”

 

He’s so calm about it that Jihoon feels like he’s in the presence of a god.

 

He feels Soonyoung place a hand on his shoulder, and Jihoon goes to stand back up properly, their eyes meeting. It feels like there’s something he wants to say… but Jihoon can’t figure it out. So he says his first.

 

“About last night…”

Soonyoung straightens up. “Yeah?”

Jihoon bites his lip, nervously fiddling with the strings of his hoodie again. “Can we agree on it to be, like… a one-time thing? It wasn’t, like, wrong, but… I’m not looking for any commitment or whatever right now.”

Soonyoung blinks and Jihoon doesn’t get any reaction for a solid five seconds. He’s starting to think the former hadn’t heard him, so he opens his mouth again, but Soonyoung speaks. “...Was it bad?”

Jihoon immediately flushes when he registers the words. “Wha— No, no! I— I…” he stutters, avoiding the other’s eyes. “—I didn’t dislike it. I-It was good… if you couldn’t tell. Did it seem like I hated it to you?”

Soonyoung chuckles brightly. “Not really,” he says shyly. “I just purposely asked you for that kind of reaction.”

“You’re a high-class jerk, Kwon Soonyoung,” Jihoon nags, with no real bite. “Go leave, I thought you were already running late.”

“Alright. I respect your decision, by the way. I get if you’re uncomfortable. I’ve encountered it  _ way _ more often than I should,” he smiles sheepishly.

 

_ But it’s not that _ , Jihoon thinks.

 

Instead of his real thoughts, he can only shake his head cowardly.

 

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be.”

Jihoon sighs. “Okay. I’ll… I’ll be leaving now. Have a safe trip.”

“Mm. You too. See you around.”

 

Oddly enough, and feeling rather empty, as if he had conveyed less than half of what he really wanted to say— Jihoon leaves Soonyoung’s complex, preferring to have the rest of the unpacking he has to do occupy his thoughts instead, as well as settling into his first day on the job by Tuesday.

  
  


———

  
  


Incoming call from kim mingDUMB…

 

Jihoon slumps onto his desk upon reading the words on his screen. He picks up anyway, groaning into the receiver the moment he does.

 

_ “...I take it there’s still no progress?” _

“Nope,” Jihoon whines, his glasses raking up to his forehead as he buries his face into his sleeves.

 

_ “Man, you are fucking stubborn.” _

“Thank you, Captain Obvious.”

Mingyu lets out a sound of something akin to both a scoff and a sigh.  _ “What’re you so afraid of?” _

 

What was he so afraid of, huh?

 

It’s been a little over a week since the night Jihoon had slept with Soonyoung. Ten days, to be exact.

 

Since then, he has been avoiding the said man like the plague. It also doesn’t help that he  _ always _ somehow happens to spot Soonyoung walk by the park with his daughter when he has to drop her off school before going to work during Jihoon’s morning runs on Mondays and Thursdays.

 

(Earlier this morning— today’s Thursday— she was even sat on his shoulders while they were laughing over something. It was so cute. Jihoon hates the way his heart did weird things over that.)

 

Jihoon gives up on thinking of any rational response. “I… I don’t know. I don’t want to get into anything serious.”

_ “But that doesn’t mean you should ignore the guy forever.” _

“But that’s it! He’s… he’s, I don’t know…  _ charming _ ?” he groans. “If I don’t ignore him, I swear I’m going to fucking fall for him.”

Mingyu laughs heartily.  _ “Oh, you’re in  _ **_trouble_ ** _ trouble.” _

“Shut up,” he snaps. “Didn’t I tell you not to call me when I’m at work? Don’t you have better things to do, like, I don’t know— suck Jungkook’s dick?”

_ “You tell me, Jihoon,” _ the other says defensively, and Jihoon would hit him through the phone if he could.  _ “I’m over that guy, whatever. Jeonghan’s way better.” _

Jihoon makes a slightly scandalized face. “Kim Mingyu! No way.”

_ “Pft, nah, I wish,” _ he whines.  _ “We’re just… friends. I think.” _

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “Yeah, and both of you aren’t gay and single and not exclusively seeing anyone, but whatever. I’ll buy that for now,” he mumbles, looking around. “I finish in a few minutes. I’ll talk to you once I eat dinner, probably. Now shoo, I don’t wanna be seen slacking off.”

_ “Alright. See ya. Talk to me about your man if you ain’t pussy enough to do something about it. Bye.” _

“Fuck you,” Jihoon chuckles. “Bye.”

 

Jihoon takes his leave after a few minutes, once he’s finished closing files and finalizing a few papers. He bids a good night to some of his nice co-workers as he walks out of his cubicle. Jeon Wonwoo even throws him a burger and hands him a cup of warm coffee when he runs into him on his way out, with the words of “Good work today, Jihoon. I noticed you haven’t eaten dinner yet. It’s not much, but here you go.”

 

Jihoon thinks he’s a literal angel sent by the gods themselves. He can see a halo illuminate his head behind the wavy raven hair that should be too long, but they fall above his eyes perfectly, the round glasses perched on his sharp nose in a way that looked more than twice as cute as they do on Jihoon. He almost sobs on his knees in thanks. (Hell, Jihoon would fall in love with him on the spot if he could.)

 

Taking a sip from his coffee, Jihoon wraps his jacket tighter around his body when he steps outside of the company building at 8 in the evening. It’s bitterly cold tonight— he can already feel his legs shiver and his hands freeze. It randomly comes to him that his birthday is already in a few weeks, too, and Jihoon doesn’t know if he’s supposed to rejoice or grimace at the idea having to celebrate it, what with all the work he has to do. He can probably just not celebrate at all.

 

Jihoon could walk all the way back to his apartment if he wanted to (he does sometimes in the morning to get to work), but the significant drop in temperature is really screaming at him no. He decides to take the bus, huddling in on himself for warmth for a few minutes as he waits to get on.

 

When he’s seated, he feels his phone vibrate. Jihoon usually doesn’t bring his phone out in public— he’s kind of paranoid of snatchers and holdups— but he figures it should be fine if he’s on the bus, not walking out on the streets.

 

It’s a text from an unknown number, and Jihoon can only raise his eyebrows.

 

**(Unknown number)**

Hey, Jihoon!

Yuna and I are at the mart… do you perhaps… idk

Need anything? Anything u need to buy?

 

**Jihoon-ssi**

...Soonyoung?

how’d you get my number???

 

**(Unknown number)**

Yep it is me! Good guess there

Oh sorry hehe, I asked the landlord

Since we know each other and we’re basically neighbors and all…

I thought it would be convenient to have ur #

 

**Jihoon-ssi**

oh okay

Why do you ask?

 

**Kwon Soonyoung**

Sometimes I run errands for some neighbors or friends when I’m here and get stuff for them

Sooo…

Do u need anything?

 

Jihoon contemplates it for a few seconds, looking out the window, and realizes that the nearest grocery from their apartment is nearby. He abruptly presses the button to get off.

 

**Jihoon-ssi**

Not really

but thank you :)

 

To Soonyoung, is Jihoon a neighbor? A friend? Is he both? Is he supposed to fall in between? Just what is it that bothers him so much?

 

Jihoon rushes out of the bus. He doesn’t know why, but… but he feels like going to him.

 

Jihoon’s been lonely.

 

No— Jihoon  _ is _ lonely. He would rather die than admit it, but even if he seems snappy and antisocial— in truth, he just doesn’t want to seem lonely.

 

One would think that with such an ability to time travel would grant him anything he wanted— not quite.

 

Jihoon’s never really had much people there for him. 

 

At 12, the same age he discovered time travel, his father got diagnosed with lung cancer, and had gotten treatment regularly. His mother did the most she could to pay the hospital bills, maintain their business, and support Jihoon’s education— resulting in her working hard every day, leaving no time for Jihoon.

 

Thankfully, they had learned of it early, and after a few years, his father was basically cancer-free. It was, however, hard to get him out of the addiction. Jihoon had to deal with his parents fighting about it often. It wasn’t a good time at home then, so 16-year-old Jihoon sought the comfort of his first boyfriend: Kwon Soonyoung.

 

Soonyoung had provided him physical comfort more than any other aspect of comfort— and Jihoon was okay with it. It seemed like Soonyoung needed it, too, neither of them asked for anything much more. Sometimes, in between the heated kisses and nervously eager touches, Jihoon allowed himself to believe that they had some sort of emotional connection as well.

 

Occasionally, there would be times they would simply just offer the other a shoulder to cry on. They would need no words, and for a while— things did seem like it would be okay.

 

Everything they did, though, were all hidden behind closed doors. They both eventually got tired of keeping secrets from the rest of the world— Soonyoung told him they’d seem better off as friends.

 

Until now, Jihoon wonders why he had reluctantly agreed to that.

 

(He may or may not regret it.)

 

With time, they just naturally drifted apart. It’s not like there was anything much either of them could do about it.

 

Jihoon met Mingyu, one year his junior, in college. They were a rather odd pair— the taller-than-average handsome friendly guy, and the shorter-than-average cold distant guy— but became the closest of friends, despite their differences. They had much in common, actually. It didn’t matter what anybody else thought. With Mingyu— Jihoon, for the first time, had someone be there for him as much as they could— and in turn, Jihoon had been that same person for somebody else, too.

 

Jihoon’s had a handful— maybe even a dozen— romantic and sexual relationships for the twenty-eight years of his life, so far. Jihoon doesn’t know what about him is it that was so unattractive for each and everyone of them to leave and forget about him, but now that he thinks about it, he’s probably just… not suited for anyone.

 

Was he hard to be with?

 

Either that or all relationships he’s formed through time-meddling are just simply bound to be obliterated.

 

Well, fair enough. If fate’s granted him the ability to manipulate the past in exchange for endless unfulfilled relationships— then fuck it!

 

(But, well, it’s not like he can do anything about it either.)

 

Jihoon likes to travel back in time, he really does— he sometimes just wishes it didn’t hold that much curses.

 

Before he realizes it, he’s been walking around the supermarket aimlessly, his thoughts interrupted when he feels a hand on his shoulder.

 

“...Jihoon?”

 

Soonyoung stands in front of him once he turns around, dark hair kept under a white cap. His careful expression and the slight pout on his face makes Jihoon’s heart race so much, more than he’ll ever admit.

 

(He kind of just wants to run away and bury himself 6 feet beneath the ground.)

 

Jihoon hopes the way he’s moving his mouth looks somewhat like a smile, because his eyes eventually land on the little girl clutching a box of Fruit Loops as she walks excitedly towards Soonyoung.

 

“Papa~”

Soonyoung’s eyes leave Jihoon’s when he hears the voice, turning around to look down at her. “I see Yuyu has picked the cereal she wants,” he smiles, helping her put the box in the cart.

 

“Hey, Soonyoung,” Jihoon manages to say, fiddling with the sleeves of his sweater.

 

“W-What a coincidence, huh,” the taller stammers, visibly shrinking. “I even texted you and all.”

Jihoon feels kind of bad for everything he’s done in the past week or so, avoiding Soonyoung just because he hates confrontation. “Yeah,” he laughs nervously, choosing not to tell him how he had gotten off the bus out in the cold just to get here and make it feel ‘like a coincidence’. “I haven’t seen you much these past few days, sorry. Been busy with work.”

“Oh, no, I totally get it,” Soonyoung says. “I hope your work’s been good to you. It can get pretty brutal if you’re new, too.”

Jihoon laughs. “I think I look too scary. They’re nice, though, some of them really are,” he says, and Soonyoung nods happily.

 

Once they feel the silence overpower the atmosphere, Jihoon bites his bottom lip, contemplating whether he should talk about something else, or just excuse himself. He decides to do the former. “I’m not supposed to tell anyone, but, since you aren’t my coworker,” he leans in to whisper, “I got the job partly because my dad has connections with my boss. I feel like my coworkers will hate me if they ever find out,” he chuckles. “Oh, well. It’s unfair, but in life, you need to cheat sometimes to get by.”

Soonyoung just laughs, loud and bright. Jihoon wasn’t expecting a positive reaction. “I believe you’d still get in by yourself, though.”

Jihoon blinks, not sure how to feel about that comment. “Thanks? I…” he drifts off to find himself looking behind Soonyoung’s legs, only noticing now that his daughter has been hiding behind him the whole time.

 

Soonyoung seems to follow his gaze. He tugs her out gently, putting an arm around her shoulders. “This is my daughter Yuna,” Soonyoung smiles proudly at him, before looking at her. “He’s Mr. Lee Jihoon. He just moved in to the apartment recently— he’s, uh… someone I know from high school.”

 

The taller meets Jihoon’s gaze, before looking away quickly.

 

“...So, he’s our new neighbor?”

Soonyoung hums, and Jihoon sticks his hand out, sending her a small smile. Yuna’s tall for a kid— her head already reaches below Soonyoung’s chest, and Jihoon is kind of mad that his own head is barely above Soonyoung’s chin.

 

She takes his hand and shakes it, smiling back shyly. “I hope you enjoy living here,” she says, before turning to her father. “Does Mr. Jihoon have a family? It would be nice to have some friends my age…”

Both Soonyoung and Jihoon splutter at that. “Don’t ask things like that when he can hear, Yuna,” Soonyoung chides.

 

Jihoon laughs. “It’s fine. Sorry, Yuna. I don’t have any kids— it’s just me.”

 

The three of them continue on with their small chatter for a few more minutes, until Jihoon excuses himself because he’s basically holding the two up from finishing their grocery.

 

Now, that wasn’t so bad. It didn’t go like the worst case scenario he always had in his head. If Jihoon had to be nice to himself, he could even say that it went smoothly.

 

Jihoon knows he can’t ignore the underlying tension between him and Soonyoung while just treating him politely as two grown men should.

 

He’s already said it himself, and they’ve both agreed on it— it was a one-time thing. Kind of. Hopefully. I guess.

 

There’s no harm in trying, after all. It’s not scary. Confronting the guy every day like a normal, sane person won’t kill Jihoon on impact like he thinks it will. Just being on speaking terms with Soonyoung is the best thing to do. For now. Probably. Hypothetically speaking.

  
  


———

  
  


It starts out small.

 

Jihoon doesn’t mind the fresh fruits he finds in a basket on the counter everyday, with pastel colored notes that have an illegible scrawl on them, the “Eat all of them today or else!” supposed to come off as a threat, but Jihoon only laughs and eats them anyway.

 

He doesn’t mind the flowers in vibrant yellows and violets that have replaced his artificial plastic ones in the vase placed on his work desk at home. They’re fragrant and mild, not too overpowering for Jihoon’s liking, and they're being changed every Friday  by a certain someone.

 

Oh. Has he mentioned that he may or may not have given Soonyoung the passcode to his apartment? Yeah.

 

(Jihoon is absolutely, utterly, whipped. Head over fucking heels.)

 

Now, if you had told anyone that such actions were mere forms of politeness— it would be valid. There’s a (small) part of Jihoon, too, that believes it’s nothing but being friendly. Jihoon’s starting to think that these are what normal friends actually do— not the things he does with Mingyu, the bastard.

 

It’s when these  _ things _ go on for over two weeks that Jihoon starts to doubt the purpose of whatever the hell Soonyoung does for him.

 

Maybe Soonyoung really is just this naturally kind and polite that he likes making other people’s days better? Maybe Jihoon is looking into it too much and it’ll stop after a while? Maybe he’s mistaking these mannerly actions for something more— the idea of the two of them: Jihoon and Soonyoung— an idea that he likes much more than he’ll ever admit.

 

He knows, yes,  _ he knows _ . Jihoon knows that it shouldn’t make him feel flustered whenever the other, face pleasantly red with sweat glistening prettily on him after an evening jog, is sitting outside their cluster when Jihoon gets back from work. He even greets him happily, asking about his day, helping him with his things as he accompanies him up to his unit.

 

Jihoon knows that his heart shouldn’t stutter a few beats whenever he occasionally spots Soonyoung walk his daughter to school— the way he’s always so gentle and yet playful with her already telling hundreds of thousands of wonderful things about him. He recalls that period of time where he had lost contact with Soonyoung, forgotten about him— the Soonyoung who was figuring out how to parent a child alone, needing to work all day but unable to leave his daughter behind, staying strong and doing everything for her— Jihoon finds it admirable.

 

Jihoon knows that the warmth spreading in his chest when he lays in bed at night and suddenly thinks of Soonyoung isn’t good, because he remembers his tinkling laughter, his endearing smile and his comforting presence. He thinks about holding his hand and talking to him about everything and kissing him while they walk around the busy streets of the city.

 

He knows, he  _ knows _ it should be enough— all of these trivial things should be enough to satisfy him and power his smile throughout the day— and yet like a fool, Jihoon still selfishly yearns to know more. To get closer, to see and feel all of him, so that before he even realizes it— he’s already falling deep and hard into the ocean that is Soonyoung, the shore already having disappeared long ago, the waves angry from the ongoing storm and not a single boat is in sight— Jihoon’s last resort is drowning.

 

That’s how he gets here.

 

Jihoon’s standing outside his company’s building, the air around his face fogging his glasses up as he exhales. He’s waiting for Soonyoung to pick him up.

 

Yeah, yeah, Jihoon gets it. He’s not  _ kinda _ dumb— he’s  _ really _ dumb.

 

Soonyoung had texted him earlier that day. He asked Jihoon if he was free for some dinner out, and since the latter wasn’t completely packed that day, finishing his shift at 5, his whipped ass just  _ had _ to say “yes sure why not”.

 

To be fair, Jihoon still had some stuff to finish. He’s already made the sacrifice of going to work tomorrow, despite it being his birthday— he expects to have less workload, so he’s finishing up things today.

 

And yet, even on such short notice of Soonyoung wanting to eat with him, Jihoon can’t say no.

 

He sighs deeply once more, taking his cap off and messing with his hair in frustration. He kind of wants to bail, but that would just be too mean.

 

After all, Soonyoung’s been nothing but kind to him, no matter how many times Jihoon has pushed himself away.

 

Plus, Jihoon hasn’t had much proper meals to eat these days anyway. He either just makes mixed noodles or orders takeout. He hasn’t really had the time (or the money and friends) to enjoy a satisfying meal someplace else.

 

A silver car pulls up in front of him. The driver seat window lowers, revealing Soonyoung’s smiling face.

 

Jihoon blinks dumbly, hoping he’s returning a friendly smile back, and the other calls out to him to get in.

 

Jihoon doesn’t know why, but he looks around him before getting in, oddly hyper aware of his surroundings. Jihoon takes the commute back home everyday. Would it be weird if his coworkers saw him get in a car with another man? Was it weird that he rather Soonyoung had picked him up away from a place where people knew who he was?

 

Jihoon could honestly care less if people from work start treating him differently just because they find out he’s gay— he’s 28 and he has his own life, damn it— so why can’t he pinpoint what’s bothering him?

 

“You look mad,” comes Soonyoung’s voice, and only then Jihoon realizes he’s already sat in the passenger seat, the car driving away from where he was previously standing. “Did I make you wait too long?”

“No, no, not at all,” Jihoon quickly says, blinking out of his trance. He loosens his necktie, sighing as he sinks into the seat, gradually calming down once he hears the faint music coming from the radio.

 

Soonyoung watches him from the corner of his eye. “Seatbelt.”

“Oh, sorry,” Jihoon says, moving to buckle himself in. “Done.”

“You seem a bit out of it,” Soonyoung chuckles. “Busy day?”

“A little, yeah,” the smaller replies. “Just… thinking about things.”

 

Soonyoung hums, and Jihoon just watches the former drive. He looks nice like this, too, Jihoon has to admit.

 

“I didn’t know you owned a car.”

“I wish,” Soonyoung laughs. “This is my sister’s.”

Jihoon chuckles too. “She live nearby?”

“One train ride, two bus rides, and a 10-minute walk,” he says with precision. “Our mom lives with her. I dropped Yuna off there today and borrowed the car.”

Jihoon raises a brow. “Just because we were going to have dinner?”

“No, because I had some appointments with clients.”

Jihoon flushes, looking away to watch outside his window instead. “Oh. Sorry.”

 

They sit in uncomfortable silence, until Jihoon can hear a weird sputtering sound coming from the other.

 

“W-What?”

Soonyoung lets out a laugh. “Oh, God, your face!”

Jihoon furrows his eyebrows in confusion, patting his face. “What about it? Is there something on it?”

Soonyoung only giggles. “I was joking!” he smiles brightly. “I did borrow the car to take you to dinner.”

Jihoon thinks his cheeks start flaring more, if that was even possible anymore. “That’s… that’s so fucking stupid! What would you do if I had said no?”

Soonyoung blinks, furrowing his eyebrows. “I didn’t really consider the possibility.”

Jihoon slaps a hand to his forehead, but he’s laughing. Soonyoung smiles. “But you’re here anyway. That’s the only important part. I would have forced you to hang out with me either way.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah!” Soonyoung says. “I feel bad whenever I don’t catch up with friends, and I haven’t seen you much recently even if we live in the same apartment block, so this happened.”

Jihoon looks away, confused as to why he suddenly feels shy. “That’s… thoughtful. Thanks.”

 

Soonyoung drives for a few more minutes, the previously red orange sky having now faded to black as the sun disappears. He tells Jihoon that they’re almost there, and the latter’s phone rings as if on cue.

 

Jihoon swears to God, if it’s Kim fucking Mingyu— oh, it’s Jeon Wonwoo from work. His frown turns into a smile. They actually text regularly, too, so Jihoon doesn’t mind the call all of a sudden.

 

(He won’t admit it, but he’s fond of the guy.)

 

“Hello?”

_ “Hey, Jihoon! Are you, uh, free right now?” _

“What for?”

_ “The guys and I are out drinking tonight. We’re just wondering if you wanted to tag along? Sorry it’s on such short notice, but maybe you could use some good ol’ initiation you never got when you started working here.” _

Jihoon laughs. “I’d really like to, but sorry, I can’t. Got some, uh, dinner plans.”

_ “Oh, that’s too bad. I understand though. Date?” _

Jihoon can feel another blush rise to his cheeks. “No! Just,” he glances at Soonyoung, who’s looking at him curiously. “Um, just a friendly date,” he adds quietly.

 

Soonyoung looks away, tapping his fingers on the wheel. Jihoon honestly wishes for nothing more than to jump out of the window and have the ground swallow him up right now.

 

Wonwoo laughs into his ear.  _ “Alright, then. Some other time, maybe? We can plan and all.” _

“Yeah! I’d enjoy that,” Jihoon says a bit too enthusiastically, hoping Soonyoung isn't paying attention to him anymore. “Have fun and don’t get too wasted. See you tomorrow.”

_ “I won’t, haha. You, too. Bye.” _

“Bye!”

 

When Jihoon puts the phone back in his bag, Soonyoung is looking at him again.  _ The fuck, does he want me killed? _

 

“Just a coworker,” Jihoon says quickly. He only just realizes that the car has already stopped when Soonyoung turns the engine off, getting out.

 

_ Crap, _ Jihoon thinks.  _ Did I mess up? Was it wrong to say friendly date? But, we are, in fact, friends… what? Should I just tell Soonyoung something came up and bail? How much more fucking awkward could I possibly _ —

 

“—Yah, Lee Jihoon.”

Jihoon blinks, looking up to find Soonyoung poking his cheek, beside the opened car door. “Yes?”

“I said, let’s go,” he chuckles, taking him by the wrist, with this look on his face that Jihoon can’t quite put a description to.

 

He might be scared and overwhelmed by this fluttering feeling, but he knows he doesn’t want it stopping any time soon.

  
  


———

  
  


“Would you like some?”

 

Soonyoung asks, as he gently waves around his glass containing ice and clear alcohol that would almost resemble water if it weren’t for the bubbles that settled together on the surface.

 

Frankly, Jihoon is not sure how to answer that. It has to be at least a solid three years since he had last drunk any alcoholic beverages, and even then he had consumed it mistakenly (see: fooled by the goddamn bartender Kim Mingyu had gotten). He’s not exaggerating when he says he nearly passed out after downing that glass. He doesn’t remember what had gotten into him either, because he probably did drink a bit more that night. He figured that had happened when morning came and he was met with quite possibly the worst hangover of all time.

 

(Needless to say, Jihoon absolutely despised Mingyu for a whole week.)

 

“No pressure, though,” Soonyoung laughs, sensing his reluctance. “If I recall correctly, you weren’t very much of a drinker.”

“And you are very much right,” Jihoon chuckles. “I’ve always had low tolerance. Is that strong?” he asks before placing a lettuce wrap in his mouth, gesturing to the other’s drink.

 

“Not really,” he replies. “I’m not that good a drinker myself either. Just felt like drinking a little tonight. Enough to make me stay sober enough to drive us back home.”   
Jihoon bites his lip. “Then, I don’t mind. Pour me some of that,” he says in a tone that almost sounds cocky and confident as he offers his glass out.   
  
Soonyoung laughs brightly— that loud, endearingly genuine laugh of his— Jihoon finds himself smiling along, too. It’s contagious, that sound.   
  
“I would love to.”   
  
I would love to spend our time together like this, too.   
  
The rest of the time spent in that warmly lit restaurant booth beside the window is almost like a dreamy haze to Jihoon.   
  
He remembers Soonyoung noisily cheering him on as he downs his glass, the heat from the alcohol and the meat grill settling prettily on his full cheeks. Jihoon remembers the sharp clinking of their glasses against the table, hitting it with their hands as they laugh too hard about this funny story involving a rude client from work Soonyoung is telling him. He remembers Soonyoung’s face illuminated by the yellow hue of light, his chin kept in his hands and eyes trained on the other man as he rambles on about his best friend Mingyu getting him involved in all his dumb misadventures. Even without the alcohol, that candid fracture of a moment alone— Soonyoung’s lovely features accentuated by the shades similar to that of the sun setting in the sky, his skin tinted in the prettiest mix between red and pink, the twinkle in his eyes he can clearly see when they gaze into Jihoon’s own— was more than enough to get him hooked, intoxicated.

 

He shines so brightly— those are the words that Jihoon thinks perfectly describes Soonyoung.

 

What he doesn’t remember, though, is how he had ended up being carried on Soonyoung’s back, his broad shoulders and faint scent of perfume along with the body heat radiating off of him making Jihoon dizzy, almost drowsy.

 

“Stop making yourself heavier than you already are,” comes Soonyoung’s complaining voice, bringing Jihoon back to the realization that  _ this isn’t a dream _ . Even with his current state, Jihoon knows that there’s no real bite in those words.

 

“I’m not even  _ that _ heavy!” he defends, hitting the other lightly on the head. Jihoon can only feel him silently nod in response, so he slumps back down onto him again. He wraps his arms snugly around Soonyoung’s neck, inhaling the welcoming traces of his minty shampoo when he rests his chin on Soonyoung’s head.

 

“Cut that out,” Soonyoung says in a sharp tone. Well, attempted sharp tone. The chuckle in his voice is evident when he squirms away a bit, while still making sure Jihoon doesn’t slip off. “It’s… weird.”

Jihoon smiles. “You like it.”

“I absolutely hate it. I carry your wasted ass on my back and in return you put all your weight on me and sniff me?”

Jihoon splutters, appalled. “I never asked you to carry me!”

Soonyoung just scoffs. “Yeah, and you never drank with me.”

“What the fuck? I’m not even drunk.”

“You can’t even stand on two feet.”

The smaller man stills, furrowing his eyebrows. “If cats and dogs can stand on four then I sure as hell can too!”

 

Soonyoung laughs at that, the shaking of his body making Jihoon’s slightly shake too, his grip on the other’s legs to keep him up never faltering even in the slightest.

 

“Let’s go home, you silly drunk,” Soonyoung says once they arrive at the car, no response coming from Jihoon. He settles the latter into the passenger seat, buckling him into place.

 

He has this serene expression on his sleeping face, and Soonyoung finds it difficult not to crack a smile at how peaceful he looks— if it weren’t for his well-preserved morals, he could kiss Jihoon. Right now. Seriously.

 

He flushes at the thought, rubbing his face in frustration. “God, what are you doing to me?” he mutters under his breath before sitting in front of the wheel.

 

Soonyoung starts driving, being careful with turning lanes and passing bumps in the road so as to not wake the other. Occasionally, Jihoon’s head will hit the window because he’s leaning on it and Soonyoung will wince.

 

The radio isn’t turned on, and Soonyoung quietly hums to a tune. Whenever the car has to stop in the middle of traffic, he goes to close his eyes for a few moments, folding his arms above the steering wheel and resting his head.

 

The air conditioning is cool and gentle against his skin and face that he can almost feel his eyes droop, the silence around him lulling him in calmness, his alcohol-filled system yelling at him to fall aslee—

 

A loud groan of “AAAGH! What the FUCK!” pierces through his ears.

 

Soonyoung jumps awake, accidentally hitting the car horn that blares a beep.

 

“Jesus Christ!” he all but yells, turning to Jihoon beside him. “What’s happening?”

Jihoon fusses again in response, attempting to get out of his seat (he doesn’t realize he has to unbuckle himself). It’s nearly incoherent, but Soonyoung makes out a slur of “It’s so fucking hot!” in between his grumbling.

 

They’re still stuck in traffic, so Soonyoung tries to calm him down by wiping his sweat but it turns out— the fucker isn’t even sweating. His skin is just hot.

 

“Turn the aircon up, Kwon Soonyoung!”

“It’s already freezing in here, Jihoon.”

Jihoon lets out a string of curses— something about a smelly fucking cocksucking whore— before bitching again. “No one ever listens to me.”

 

The traffic starts to move and so does Soonyoung, internally panicking when Jihoon doesn’t stop. He doesn’t stop indeed— he takes his seatbelt off.

 

Without taking his eyes off the road, Soonyoung commands, “Jihoon, sit down.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” he replies grimly. Soonyoung turns to look at him— his jacket is off and he’s pulling his shirt over his head.

 

Soonyoung looks away, flaring his nostrils in embarrassment when suddenly all the times he’s swooned over  _ those fucking abs _ from the memory of  _ that one night _ fills his head, guilt-tripping him. “Jihoon, please don’t strip in here. You are going to get sick.”

“But it’s hot~” he whines. “Don’t you feel hot?”

“I d-don’t,” Soonyoung stammers, disciplining himself to focus on driving  _ or else he’s gonna get them both killed _ . “We’re almost home, so please calm down.”

Jihoon sits back down at that, folding his arms over his (bare) chest. “I’m pouting. Aren’t you gonna look at me?”

_ Goddamn you, Lee Jihoon _ . “No, I’m driving.”

 

Jihoon makes an annoyed noise, and Soonyoung thinks it nearly takes his entire willpower to not give in to him so he can continue making their way back home safely.

 

Once they finally arrive there (peacefully, without any drunken outbursts) and Soonyoung’s parked the car, he looks over to his left at Jihoon.

 

He’s looking out the window, arms still crossed, shirt and jacket still on his lap. For the sake of his own sanity, Soonyoung would much rather not stare at the milky expanse of Jihoon’s skin and the poke of his collarbones and his firm arms folded over each other, but he  _ kind of _ can’t help it. He’s not as sober as he would like to be either.

 

“Let’s go,” he mumbles, getting out of his seat to go over to Jihoon’s side, opening his door for him.

 

Jihoon gets out as well, before saying, “My nipples are going to freeze out here.”

Soonyoung laughs. “Go put your clothes on.”

He does, as they walk inside the small building and up the stairs. “It’s so late, what the fuck? Are you allowed to stay this long out away from— Yuna?”

“I’d already told you, she’s with my mom,” he chuckles. “And I would never do  _ this _ , knowing Yuna was home alone, even if she’s a good girl and she can help herself just fine.”

Jihoon hums. “...Is it weird to say that I’m proud of you?”

Soonyoung gives him a puzzled look. “What for?”

“...I don’t know.  _ Just ‘cause _ ? We had first met in high school, all that time ago. When I met you— you were this lanky teenager with the floofy hair and fullest cheeks and your eyes would thin out into slanted lines when you smiled and you absolutely  _ loved _ to dance… And, well, closeted 16-year old me thought,  _ oh, damn, I kinda dig that _ ,” he pauses, giggling. “And then… you know. I don’t know. We got together. You were my first kiss and my first boyfriend and my first handjob—” Soonyoung chokes on his spit. “And, you know! We cried and laughed and we thought about love and we did those dumb things dumb kids do at our age, because all we darned teenagers do is think we’re invincible and rational-thinking and  _ all grown up _ … but then—”

“—But then we  _ do _ grow up and it’s completely nothing like what we wanted,” Soonyoung cuts in, laughing bitterly. “I was  _ that _ teenager. I became a dad at 20— I was way dumber than you.”

“But you’re a great fucking dad!” Jihoon replies almost immediately. “Don’t even try telling yourself otherwise or I will literally fight you myself. That’s what I’m saying. You were  _ that _ teenager, and yet here you are. You have a stable job and you live as comfortably as you can and your daughter is so blessed to have you because you love her and you work so hard for her and you’ve been raising her  _ alone _ for 8 years!” he bursts out, stopping in his tracks, not meeting his eyes.. “It’s so… you’re just  _ so _ … admirable. I’m… I’m proud of you, I guess you could say that.”

Soonyoung stares at him, letting out a small laugh. “Oh, Jihoon. Thank you. I’m a bit flattered, if I had to admit. You’re so cute when you’re drunk.”

The taller wonders if it’s the warm effect of the alcohol, but a deeper shade of red spreads to Jihoon’s cheeks to his ears even more than before. “Do I make you shy?” he teases.

 

He doesn’t get a response because suddenly, Jihoon stumbles, almost backwards down the stairs. Soonyoung manages to catch him right on time.

 

“Fuck, I-I’m sorry,” Jihoon breathes out.

 

Soonyoung tuts, bending down. “Get on,” he commands, offering his back. “I don’t care that there’s only 2 more flights of stairs.”

“You really don’t have to…”

“Come on~” he singsongs, before feeling Jihoon’s weight on him. “Jihoonie is rea~lly drunk, isn’t he?”

 

He can only feel the vibration of Jihoon’s hum against his shoulder, before holding the back of his thighs and going up the stairs.

 

_ So cute _ , Soonyoung thinks, as he listens to his steady breathing.

 

(He silently prays Jihoon doesn’t end up throwing up on him. That would just ruin everything.)

 

When they arrive at the smaller’s door, Soonyoung jokes, “Mind handing me your keys, Ji?”

“This is a passcode door, smartass,” Jihoon mumbles. Soonyoung laughs— of course it is— before punching in the numbers.

 

After kicking his shoes off at the entrance, Soonyoung finds his way around the place, earning a few grunts from Jihoon whenever he probably bumps him into a corner. Some more fumbling around later, he lays Jihoon down on the bed, before rushing to the kitchen to pour a glass of water for him.

 

Jihoon is awake (though Soonyoung kind of hoped he wasn’t, because then he would be able to leave Jihoon’s place peacefully), hair messy, and sat in the middle of the bed with his legs crossed— an adorable image. Soonyoung offers him the glass, and Jihoon takes it gratefully, drinking it all.

 

Soonyoung yawns, before giving him a small smile as he sits on the bed. “I’ll be going now. Go get some rest.”

 

Jihoon hopes he wouldn’t. He does the least sober thing he can do.

 

“But I want you to stay.”

 

Soonyoung stills when he meets the other’s eyes. “No, you don’t,” he chuckles out.

Without warning, his vision is obscured, because then he feels Jihoon wrap his arms around him. Startled, Soonyoung touches him tentatively. “Jihoon…”

He peels them off of him, and Jihoon, surprisingly, does not put up a fight. “Okay,” the latter replies in a small voice, sitting back down. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Soonyoung returns. “Feel better in the morning, alright? Don’t fall asleep without throwing up or else you’re gonna choke yourself. If it’s a bad hangover, you know where to call me. Okay?”

Jihoon nods. “Okay.”

“Thank you for tonight,” Soonyoung smiles, ruffling the other’s head.

 

“Likewise,” Jihoon replies, feeling his face burn. “I think I can feel something rising up in my throat, so I’d like you to leave now.”

Soonyoung laughs. “I’ll close the lights before I leave,” he says before waving goodbye, and Jihoon does the same before he’s out the door.

 

Jihoon makes sure he can hear his front door close before he yells. He yells until he can feel his head throb and his chest pang, then running to the toilet to spill the poisonous contents of his stomach.

 

He’s happy and dumb and hopeful and stupid and uneasy all at the same time.

 

Jihoon kind of regrets it, but he thinks about nothing else and goes to sleep with a smile on his face.

  
  


———

  
  


Or, so he thought.

 

Jihoon wakes up with a start, the sunlight coming from his window much too bright against his face. He squints, searching around for his glasses blinder than ever.  _ He’s positive he closed the blinds last night. _

 

He still feels a tad sick, there are definitely beginnings of a migraine somewhere in his head whenever he moves around too quickly, and—  _ oh my fucking god _ .

 

Jihoon nearly chokes on his toothbrush when he does a double take at his phone in his hands.

 

_ November 21. _

 

Jihoon remembers clear as day how he got off of work earlier than usual yesterday because tomorrow would be his birthday. And even still, he didn’t plan to ditch work.

 

_ That’s supposed to be yesterday’s date. _

 

He paces around the apartment, slightly confused, because  _ he never intended for this to happen. _ Jihoon was content with how last night ended. He can’t do all of that again. He’s not sure if he can even breathe properly around Soonyoung, knowing that he himself is an embarrassing fuck when he’s drunk.

 

_ Last night was already perfect. _

 

So, what was so wrong with it that he travels back without meaning to?

 

Jihoon only groans in frustration, cursing out to nothing in particular. Probably the time gods, if he’s honest.

 

Checking his messages, Soonyoung’s text asking him to hang out along with his response is gone. His call log with Wonwoo is gone as well.

 

As if on cue, he receives the message from Soonyoung.

 

**Hey, Jihoon! Good morning. I was wondering if you would be free tonight, how does dinner out sound? I’ll treat you. I can pick you up after work, if you’d like. Thanks :D**

 

Jihoon can feel his heart thump helplessly in his chest, his face burning up.

 

_ It’s the exact same fucking text, and yet why am I acting like a teenage girl? _

 

Jihoon thinks he might as well just go crazy, and suppresses the urge to chuck his phone out the window.

 

_ What do I do now? _

  
  


———

  
  


Miraculously, the work day goes by smoother than ever.

 

If Jihoon’s gotta be blunt, he looks like absolute shit right now. But if the cute Seungcheol guy from Head Publishing just gives him a smile and (what Jihoon hopes is) a wink, then he’s probably doing good.

 

(Wrong. It was a smile of sympathy and the poor dude just happened to catch some dust in his eye.)

 

Once Jihoon settles down into his cubicle, he feels disarranged in every way. He’s just…  _ drained _ . He probably didn’t get any sleep at all. The fact that he doesn’t even know whether he got sleep or not should be kind of creepy, but he’s too bothered by this new phenomenon of him traveling back without meaning to.

 

Has he already done this before but he just hadn’t realized until now? Did he unconsciously want to travel back so his body did it for him instead? Did anything even relatively out of the ordinary (as if time travel wasn’t crazy enough) happen for this occurrence to be triggered?

 

Ah, whatever.

 

The messy desk in front of him is mocking him— it’s exactly how he left it the day before, disregarding his original timeline. The three papers he had supposedly finished ‘yesterday’ are once again far from completion. His officemates’ chattering along with the annoying clickity-clacks of their keyboards— as if they’re actually working, ‘cause Jihoon knows they’re really just slacking off to some online poker game— already irk him off to no end this early in the morning. Not to mention, he’s  _ seven _ minutes late and Lee Jihoon absolutely  _ hates _ being late.

 

He groans in exasperation once more, not minding how his cheek is pressed against the (probably dirty) fingerprint-stained keyboard when he slumps his face down onto it.

 

“You look like shit.”

 

Jihoon doesn’t even bother to look up. “Thanks, Wonwoo.”

“Don’t want the boss catching you slacking off like this, now, do you?” he laughs heartily that Jihoon nearly rolls his eyes.

 

“No, I’m just expelling all this negative energy.”

“You even arrived late today. How bad is it?”

 

He lifts his head to look at him. Jihoon’s pretty sure his eyes are swollen, his face is pale, and he probably looks dehydrated.

 

“You look dehydrated.”

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “I am aware.”

Wonwoo suddenly brings out a cup seemingly from nowhere. “Coffee?”

Jihoon perks up in his seat, already making grabby hands for the drink. “Yes, please, thank you.”

Wonwoo hides it behind his back instead. “I’m convinced you’re distressed about something, and frankly, I’m kinda concerned. Tell me or else no coffee.”

“I’m more surprised someone in this office even gives a damn about me.”

Wonwoo scoffs, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Everybody else may not, but I certainly do.”

Jihoon only bites his lip. “It’s complicated.”

Wonwoo tuts. “You free after work?”

“Why?”

“The other guys and I are going out drinking. Think of it as the welcoming initiation you never got after working here,” he chuckles. “Mind you, everyone thinks you’re pretty cool and intimidating. Hang out with us for a while just to be yourself.”

Jihoon immediately uses his mouth before his brain. “I’ll be there. I don’t drink, by the way.”

Wonwoo eyes him as if sensing the lie, but continues anyway. “Great! I heard that Kang Daniel from the Layout and Design Department has the hots for you— he’ll be there tonight,” the other teases, to which Jihoon grimaces. “Let’s leave together later. See ‘ya,” he bids, placing the cup of coffee on the latter’s desk.

 

Jihoon nods, drinking from the cup when he leaves, taking a painkiller along with it down his throat.

  
  


———

  
  


Sure enough, they  _ do _ go drinking.

 

Wonwoo just didn’t tell him it would be at a fucking  _ nightclub _ .

 

Jihoon hasn’t been to a club since he was, like, 22, and clubs back home were always on the tamer side.

 

It’s the first time he’s been to one in the city, and he’s undoubtedly already despising it.

 

He’s not looking to get wasted— that would only add to his problems. Strictly no drugs either— the last thing he wants right now is to get fired from his job. Wonwoo had offered him a joint maybe an hour ago, but Jihoon knew best to decline.

 

Maybe if they had gone to a gay bar, Jihoon would be a bit more interested.

 

He laughs at the thought, but at the same time is a little disappointed he can’t get his mind off of Soonyoung instead.

 

The unreplied-to text sits in his inbox, and Jihoon stares at it guiltily. Maybe he should tell him he’s busy after all.

 

What can he even say at this point?  **_“im really busy so i forgot to reply btw im still at work lol”_ ** ?  **_“sorry i made you wait for me actually im not busy at all just busy avoiding you”_ ** ?  **_“im the hugest fool in the world bc im avoiding u bc im scared im starting to like u like a lot”_ ** ???

 

God, he’s so fucking pathetic. His mother didn’t raise him a dumbass, now, did she?

 

**I’m sorry** , is all he can type out. He presses send.

 

Nothing much eventful happens for some time more. Maybe he does find himself on the dance floor just slightly bouncing along to the beat at one point. Maybe he does happen to spy on one particularly attractive guy— not quite his type, but attractive nonetheless. Maybe he does end up kissing said guy against the men’s comfort room’s door, their difference in height making Jihoon go crazy, because, God,  _ this reminded him of Soonyoung _ .

 

His lips were nothing like Soonyoung’s, though— the bitter taste of tobacco and the feeling of chapped lips nothing like Soonyoung’s softer, ramyun-lingered mouth— a memory that should be distant, but Jihoon remembers clearly. His hands were overeager, messily touching Jihoon in places that should be appropriate in this setting but Jihoon finds himself squirming away from— different from Soonyoung’s, urgent yet gentle. He reeked of cigarettes and alcohol and slightly of sweat that Jihoon swears in his mind he much rather prefers the mild fabric softener he gets a whiff of every damn time he runs into Soonyoung.

 

The man starts to flip them around, taking control because Jihoon has obviously lost interest. Jihoon pushes him off easily.

 

The man groans. “The fuck is your problem?”

Jihoon even flinches at his voice— he doesn’t even know why he wants to hear Soonyoung instead so bad. “I don’t like this. I’m leaving,” he says bluntly, not even sparing a glance.

 

He runs out before the man can even react, dazedly looking around for Wonwoo. Lights are flashing in hues of blues and violets and purples, the room is stuffy and crowded, the thumping bass coming from the heavy party music is resonating within his head, along with the encounter in the restroom he can’t believe he even initiated in the first place earlier— they’re more than enough to make Jihoon want to throw up even if he hadn’t drunk anything at all.

 

Home, home. He needs to get home.

 

It’s only 30 minutes until midnight. Jihoon’s finger hovers on the call button next to Soonyoung’s contact. Could he possibly?

 

_ If he doesn’t pick up, you’ve been getting the wrong idea the whole time, Jihoon. You’re just acting clingy and weird and he doesn’t like you like that at all. Better restart the timeline to save yourself the embarrassment. _

 

But if he picks up… what would it mean, then?

 

_ If he picks up…  _ Jihoon thinks, biting his lip, suddenly pressing ‘Call’... What does he say? What does he tell him?  _ “I don’t know why I called you, I just wanted to hear your voice?” “Sorry, I’ve been such an asshole, but can you pick me up at this club?” “I need to get home and I need you to take me home but not in that way I meant when we had dinner together and I was acting all weird and drunk and I might have jumped you if it weren’t for my morals?” _

 

The phone line is just static and Jihoon anxiously waits for nearly a minute before it disconnects, the automated voice telling him that the number could not be reached.

 

He stares down at his phone, at Soonyoung’s number and the picture he found of him and Yuna from Soonyoung’s Facebook which he set as the contact photo for him.

 

Fuck. Jihoon might just really like him.

  
  


———

  
  


Jihoon is lucky enough to catch a bus ride back to the bus stop nearest to his company before public transportation shuts down for the night. It’s probably an over 30-minute walk back to his apartment, and Jihoon doesn’t want to think about whether he even has the energy for that anymore.

 

Not to mention, it’s fucking freezing out here. He is walking at night time with only two layers on in the middle of November.

 

If he doesn’t die of hypothermia tonight, he might just pass out of exhaustion here and now in the middle of the street.

 

Shivering, Jihoon decides to suck it up anyway. He figures that this is what he deserves for being such a shitty person. 

 

His body feels heavy and his eyes seem like they’re going to drop anytime soon, and Jihoon longs for nothing more than the confines of his bed, although not the best bed in the world— a bed he can sleep and rest in nonetheless.

 

Eventually, it’s one something in the morning when he arrives to his place, treading up the stairs quietly. He just wants to sleep and maybe cry over how dumb he is then maybe,  _ just maybe _ , he can try this timeline again and get the outcome he wants the most.

 

But what even was it that he wanted the most?

 

He reaches his door. To his surprise, once he punches in the passcode, the lights are on. Jihoon walks slowly inside, well remembering he literally can’t afford to leave the lights on while he isn’t home. The door to his room is slightly ajar, and the lights are open as well— Jihoon’s just baffled at this point. (His electricity bill will kill him.)

 

His body feels heavy and his eyes seem like they’re going to drop anytime soon, but they’re nothing compared to the weight added to his heart when Jihoon finds a familiar figure sat on the floor by the edge of his bed, fast asleep.

 

Soonyoung has his arms folded over his knees, which are pulled up to his chin. The side of his head rests on his arms, squishing his right cheek against his eye.

 

Swallowing away the pang of mixed feelings in his chest, Jihoon walks closer to him, crouching in front of him, before he puts his hand out tentatively toward the sleeping man.

 

There’s an air of calmness surrounding him, that Jihoon feels relaxed looking at him, too. He marvels at how pretty he looks, drowning in the warm lights of his bedroom.

 

Jihoon wonders if this is what all those romance movies mean when they say how something is so close and yet so far.

 

He lightly settles his hand on the top of Soonyoung’s head, capturing a small tuft of hair in between his fingers. Soonyoung stirs slightly, and Jihoon doesn’t know why, but it makes him smile.

 

He probably looks like a lovesick creep right now.

 

Jihoon retracts his hand, taking his sweet time to admire the other’s features instead. He’s always had a liking for men with long lashes— and yet Soonyoung’s are short. Soonyoung’s face is all bunched-up cheeks from the front, but sharp and defined angles and edges from the side— Jihoon wonders how that’s even possible. Soonyoung has a delicate button nose and plump lips— the type of plump that would be so pretty to look at bruised from so much kissing— Jihoon hates himself for even entertaining the thought.

 

He smiles dumbly to himself. He just wants them to stay like this in this moment forever.

 

He sits on his bed, debating whether he should really go back or not. Jihoon isn’t up to seeing Wonwoo and the others at work the next day— he feels bad about ditching them. He doesn’t know if he can have a chance to be alone with Soonyoung again after his request— he feels like an asshole after straight up ignoring him until the last minute— he enjoys spending time with Soonyoung, he really does, and he doesn’t want things to be awkward between them again because of this. He’s still not feeling too well either, he doesn’t even know if he’s up to facing the time for his birthday— it certainly feels non-existent now, as if several days have already passed it by.

 

Jihoon flops down onto the mattress. He kind of wants to cry.

 

He  _ knows _ he told himself he would stop abusing his ability— he’s not the reckless young man he was ten years ago anymore. Jihoon is already aware that all this time travelling will, in all honesty, be the death of him— both figuratively and literally.

 

It’s nothing new that he has headaches so severe every time he travels through a few timelines repeatedly. Back then, when he would mess up pretty bad because he never planned his outcomes, he would dismiss it, believing in the power of his impulse and instinct alone.

 

(It was the dumber thing to do.)

 

Progressively, Jihoon had started to have more difficulty in repeating the same timelines. Usually by the third time around, he would start to have bad migraines and increasingly blurry eyesight. Recently, he had been unable to even do it twice anymore without feeling fairly weak.

 

Jihoon doesn’t know if it comes with his age— and mind you, he is more than fit for a twenty-eight year old man— but he suspects that it has to be a result of the advantage he’s been abusing ever since he was young.

 

It was a habit that had always been difficult to grow out of.

 

Jihoon ignores the throbbing pain in his temples, the painkillers he had taken earlier in the morning proven to be ineffective.

 

He takes one last glance at Soonyoung, whose eyes were still closed.

 

And he decides in a heartbeat— Jihoon would much rather get himself hurt than even start thinking of putting Soonyoung through absolutely any part of it.

 

He groans quietly. Last night was already perfect (maybe minus his own drunken antics, but still). How come he was sent back to do it all over again? Now, he hates how this one turned out— it’s another cycle of fighting himself with the idea of wanting to be with Soonyoung versus avoiding Soonyoung.

 

His head is just all Soonyoung, Soonyoung, and freaking Kwon Soonyoung.

 

Jihoon closes his eyes, and thinks about the morning he spent in this bed. He thinks hard about everything that had gone wrong today, along with what he could have done to prevent them from happening— putting all the emotions of regret into his thoughts.

 

_ I guess I’m really fucked now _ .

  
  


———

  
  


When his eyes flutter open, they’re greeted by the light of day.

 

Jihoon doesn’t even have any more time to waste— ironically. He immediately sits up, scrambling to check for the time. November 21. 06:15 AM.

 

He puts his glasses on, looking around his room. No trace of Soonyoung. Just the same atmosphere once again from the morning he’s gone through thrice now.

 

There’s no way he can fuck this up the third time around, Jihoon thinks.

 

Here’s his plan: he will tell Soonyoung he isn’t free today. He won’t hang out with Wonwoo and the others tonight, either. Instead, he’ll work until late— an overtime probably until ten in the evening. Plus, he himself will ask Soonyoung to hang out on some other day together.

 

This way, Jihoon hopes he can be with Soonyoung without worrying nor feeling uneasy— the events will be under his control, after all.

 

(It’s unfair, it really is— it’s no different from cheating— but Jihoon has no other idea as to how he should be approaching these kind of things. And by these kind of things— catching feelings. Catching them hard and fast. How scary their existences are indeed.)

 

It should be no surprise to Jihoon at this point anymore, but his body feels just as weak as it was in the last timeline. Probably even more. His head is light and his eyesight darkens whenever he moves too fast. Has he even gotten rest in the past 30 hours or so at all?

 

He has no idea anymore, to be honest— he doesn’t even want to care about that anymore, even if he very well knows that he should.

 

Jihoon has some coffee and a cup of instant noodles and calls it breakfast. He gets to his workplace twenty minutes earlier than usual. He responds to Soonyoung with  **“I’m really sorry, Soonyoung, but I’m busy today. It’s a packed work day, and I happen to be on overtime. I’ll let you know when I can see you some other time instead.”**

 

Jihoon thinks his response is too formal and robotic, considering the fact that he knows Soonyoung treats him casually, like a friend, but he decides it’s fine. He can’t even stare at his phone screen for too long without being bothered by the electronic dance music beat of pain in his head.

 

Plus, it’s not entirely a lie. He did visit his boss’ office around 9AM, and he said he would be up to taking an overtime shift. His boss even asked him about his birthday, and if Jihoon was planning to work hard today because his birthday would be tomorrow and he wouldn’t show up to work. Jihoon only laughs, saying he’ll still go to work tomorrow.

 

For the rest of the day, it wears Jihoon out to even get up and walk 5 meters away from his desk. It’s unbelievable. He can’t focus on his work nor write a proper sentence, can’t keep his eyes open without feeling them beg for him to close his eyes for a few hours, can’t sit up properly without his back and neck and legs aching.

 

Jihoon’s in the middle of stretching his arms when he hears Wonwoo.

 

“Lunch break’s almost over, aren’t you eating?”

Jihoon blinks at him. He hadn’t even noticed. “I don’t know. I forgot.”

“How do you forget?” Wonwoo exclaims. “You’re usually the first out once break starts.”

Jihoon flushes. “No, I’m not.”

Wonwoo laughs. “Busy, huh? You look like shit, by the way.”

“I know,” Jihoon replies quietly. “I’m on overtime, by the way.”

He’s not sure if he imagined it, but he sees Wonwoo’s eyes widen slightly. “In  _ that _ state? Have you even seen yourself? You look sickly pale and the bags under your eyes are commendable.”

Jihoon chortles. “Thanks, they’re Gucci.”

“ _ Jihoon _ .”

“What?” Jihoon asks. “I’m oka—”

 

Suddenly, he feels heat quickly rise up in his throat.

 

“Oh, my god, I’m going to die,” he mutters under his throat, before getting up. “I’m… I-I’m gonna go to the restroom,” he says when he passes Wonwoo, trying his best to walk-run as quickly as he can without tripping over his feet.

 

There’s a few other men when he enters the restroom, one of them Jihoon recognizes as the intern Chan. He has no time to put up his reputation, though, so he passes them, and throws himself inside the nearest cubicle, knees onto the floor.

 

The sound he makes when he hurls out the acid inside of him into the toilet is  _ not _ pretty. Jihoon’s sure anyone who would hear it would be at least slightly concerned. After a few seconds, he hears a hurried knock on the door.

 

“Is everything okay in there?”

Jihoon clears his throat. “I-It’s great,” he says weakly, and he almost wants to bang his head onto the toilet seat because he can’t believe he can even joke in this state.

 

“Jihoon, you’re impossible,” says the voice again. Jihoon only now registers it’s Wonwoo. “I’ll be here if you feel better.”

 

The room feels incredibly stuffy and the corners of his eyes are spotted with black and Jihoon notices he can’t really breathe anymore when he gets up to flush the toilet’s contents of his insides down the drain. If anything, vomiting just made him feel even worse.

 

“W-Wonwoo,” he calls shakily.

 

“Yeah?” the reply comes almost instantly, and Jihoon kind of wants to smile at how kind he really is. “You need any help?”

“I think I’m going to pass out.”

“Fuck, can you unlock the door? Please?”

 

Jihoon’s sure he moves his hand towards something by the door and he pushes it, before he can feel his surroundings fade, Wonwoo’s usually clear voice muted to his ears.

  
  


———

  
  


_ Wow _ , Jihoon thinks. He absolutely hates the smell of hospitals quite possibly more than anything.

 

He doesn’t have to think twice to realize he’s at one when he squints around, seeing men and women in medical scrubs and lab coats bustle around, the strange white interior giving him an unsettling feeling like it always has.

 

Hospitals give Jihoon the memory of his father during his teenage years, and recently when he had gone into relapse, too. His heart pangs in regret. He hasn’t even been visiting them like he had promised.

 

There are other things at hand here, though, because being here definitely means he fainted at work, then.

 

God, he really does owe Jeon Wonwoo his life.

 

He sits up, and a nurse comes to his view immediately. Jihoon can’t really tell too well without his glasses, but from the voice, it’s a male. “Hello, Mr. Lee.”

“Hello,” Jihoon replies back feebly. “W-What time is it?”

The nurse sighs. “You lost consciousness, Mr. Lee. Do you remember anything?”

“Y-Yes. I threw up at work, and my coworker brought me here— did he?”

“Mr. Jeon Wonwoo did. He couldn’t stay for long, though, and he had to get back to your office and report your condition as well. According to him, you were unconscious for ten minutes while he brought you to the company’s clinic. He insisted to have you taken to a hospital, though, because you were awake for a few minutes before you were knocked out again.”

“Was it that bad?”

“Ten minutes is pretty severe, but you were just asleep for the past two hours. It’s normal, considering the reasons for your fainting are stress and fatigue. Also, Mr. Jeon has paid for your stay here.”

Jihoon blinks. “Geez, that guy. He really didn’t have to,” he mumbles. “So, can I leave?”

“You are not advised to leave alone. Someone you know needs to pick you up and leave with you. Any friend will do. You have any family here?”

“No, I don’t… May I, uh,” he fumbles around. “Use my phone?”

“Any more exposure of to blue light is bad for you, Mr. Lee. I may check it for you.”

“Okay…” he says, when the nurse hands him his phone to unlock it. “Um, I need to contact someone, or— are there any new messages?”

“There are some from  _ Wonwoo _ ,  _ Mom _ , and a  _ Kwon Soonyoung _ .”

 

If he were connected to a heart monitor, the rate at which his heartbeat accelerates after hearing that last name would be humiliating.

 

“K-Kwon Soonyoung’s, please.”

“ _ I visit you at your office, and then I hear you’re at the hospital after passing out? _ ” Jihoon blushes, ashamed this nurse is reading his personal messages of Soonyoung scolding him. “ _ You’ve been overworking yourself, Jihoon. I’m worried about you. I’m going to take you home. No buts. Text me when you’re up… _ That’s all.”

“Thank you,” Jihoon whispers, his head down, unable to even show the other man his face.

 

“Wow, talk about scary dominant,” the nurse gushes. “Isn’t he a keeper? Mr. Kwon your boyfriend or something?”

Jihoon feels his cheeks flare, even though the ‘scary dominant’ part is far from true. “He is my nothing and it is none of your business, Nurse… Boo,” he says, after putting on the glasses he just realized were on the stand by where he’s laying. “It says on your uniform.”

“Of course it does, I’m a hospital staff,” he scoffs. “So, if Kwon Soonyoung is your  _ nothing _ , that means he can’t pick you up, right?”

Jihoon’s eyes widen. “H-He is! He is… a friend. I think.”

Nurse Boo chuckles. “Whatever you say, Mr. Lee.”

“We live in the same block, okay?” Jihoon defends.

“So you’ll have him pick you up?”

“It’s not like I know anyone else who could,” he sighs. “Call him, please.”

 

Jihoon doesn’t really bother to listen to him call Soonyoung, only catching him say “Good day,” and “Mr. Kwon Soonyoung,” and “Mr. Lee Jihoon,” and “conscious.”

 

“He’ll be here in around fifteen,” says the nurse, placing Jihoon’s phone on the stand by his bed. “Don’t touch this. I can get you a toothbrush and some mouthwash since you vomited before passing out right?”

Jihoon nods in embarrassment once more. “Yes, please. Thanks.”

“I’ll be right back.”

 

Jihoon waits patiently, stumped in disbelief after everything that’s happened. He can never really have his ways anymore, can he?

 

His legs are still a bit weak when he tries getting up, so he has Nurse Boo assist him to the bathroom while he cleans his mouth and washes his face, too. For someone this nosy, he still makes a kind and patient nurse, Jihoon thinks.

 

Walking back to the area he’s admitted to, he sees a figure he already knows all too well standing in front of its entrance. He seems to be peeking inside the room. Jihoon stops in his tracks, mildly panicking, and Nurse Boo looks at him weirdly. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t face that guy, fucking shit,” he curses, turning around. “Oh, my god.”

“Who— oh?” Jihoon watches him approach Soonyoung and  _ crap _ , Jihoon has handled enough emotional stress for the past 40 or so hours.

 

Jihoon feels a hand on his shoulder. He relaxes slightly when he realizes it’s Nurse Boo, but still, he’s being brought back inside.

 

He meets eyes with Soonyoung the moment he enters, and  _ God, help him, Jihoon just might faint a second time _ .

 

Nurse Boo makes him sit back on the edge of his bed, this way he’s facing Soonyoung whose on another chair.

 

“Mr. Lee may prepare and you can leave with him, Mr. Kwon,” he says, and Jihoon wants to kick the very obvious hint of teasing out of his tone. “Thank you.”

 

Jihoon avoids Soonyoung’s eyes, instead leaning down to busy himself with taking his the hospital slippers off and putting his shoes back on.

 

“I’ll do it.”

 

Soonyoung ties both of them, not saying a word nor looking up at Jihoon. Once he’s done, he stands back up. “Let’s go?”

“I’ll just get my phone.”

“I’ll get it,” Soonyoung says, walking over to the other side of the bed to take Jihoon’s phone. “That’s all?”

 

Jihoon nods. He’s taken by a sudden surprise, because Soonyoung takes his arm, guiding him by his side when they walk out. Jihoon looks up to already see the taller look back down at him, and Jihoon averts his eyes shyly.

 

They reach the hospital’s exit and— just their luck— it’s raining. Pouring, to be exact.

 

Jihoon groans quietly. Soonyoung doesn’t look like he has an umbrella with him.

 

“...Hey, Soonyoung—”

 

Wordlessly, the said man pulls his hoodie off, leaving him with only a shirt on. He hands it to Jihoon, and when the latter only stares at it in confusion, Soonyoung says, “Wear it, you fool.”

 

Jihoon flushes, slipping it on over his button-up easily. It’s comfortably loose and it smells like that familiar mild detergent in the clothes Soonyoung wears and Jihoon just might keep this with him forever.

 

Soonyoung smiles at him, pulling the hood over his head. He grabs Jihoon’s hand, and Jihoon hates how homely and warm his touch is that it’s making his heart do gross things. Jihoon hates how he wants Soonyoung to slip his fingers between his. Jihoon hates how Soonyoung is smiling at him like this because he doesn’t know how awful Jihoon’s been to him in the timelines that had once existed.

 

And yet, Jihoon loves everything about it.

 

“Don’t let go, okay?”

 

Soonyoung leads him outside, walking under the pitter-patter of the rain. Jihoon tries to go as fast as he can, worried he’s slowing Soonyoung down, but Soonyoung already pulls at his hand as if sensing Jihoon’s worry and telling him he doesn’t have to go too fast or else they’ll probably both slip under the rain.

 

When they arrive to Soonyoung’s  sister’s car, Jihoon hates that his hand has to be separated from the former’s. Soonyoung even opens the passenger seat for Jihoon, before getting in himself, and Jihoon could probably fly with all the fluttering going on inside his stomach.

 

“You okay?”

“Are you mad?”

 

They both speak at the same time after settling down. They meet each other’s eyes, and Jihoon doesn’t falter away even when Soonyoung does.

 

“I’m okay, thanks,” Jihoon starts. “I think getting to this car under the rain is an extreme sport,” he laughs, still catching his breath. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Soonyoung asks, quietly and gently and very un-Soonyoung. “I’m not mad at you.”

Jihoon blinks, not taking his eyes off of Soonyoung. His black hair is slightly drenched, and there are wet patches of raindrops on his grey shirt. “I’ve put you through all this trouble. Even more, I made you worry about me. You should be tired of me by now,” he says lightly, in that half-joking and half-serious tone.

 

“But I want to, you know,” Soonyoung replies, still faintly. Jihoon loves the sound— just his voice, the low rumble of the car engine, the falling of water droplets onto the hood, their breathing starting to even out. “I want to put myself through all this trouble. I want to worry about you. And I’d never get tired of you, to be honest. Do I look like I’m tired of you? Am I being forced to do this? No, right? Because… because I care about you. Yeah, that.”

Jihoon feels his own breath hitch. “...Don’t say those kinds of things. You don’t really know what you mean by that.”

Soonyoung shrugs, not wanting to pry into his nor Jihoon’s words any further more. “Let’s go home.”

 

Jihoon dislikes the silence surrounding them the whole ride. It’s the most unusual, because he and Soonyoung can usually talk about anything and everything.

 

The drive feels too long and yet when Jihoon finally looks out his window, they’re already in front of their block. Soonyoung gets out without a word, the rain still not letting down, trickling quickly down the windshield in an unending racing match. He opens the car door for Jihoon, wrapping his arm around his shoulder and opening an umbrella.

 

“I have one in this car. We just happened to be unlucky.”

 

Jihoon only nods, and then they enter the building, Soonyoung having him walk first inside.

 

He only watches the taller man close the umbrella, the droplets of water bursting around him. “Come on,” he says, gesturing up the stairs.

 

Jihoon doesn’t know what to do nor say. He doesn’t know how to act nor speak.

 

All these three timelines have been critically different from each other, and yet Kwon Soonyoung is still the same— too stupid for his own good, cares more about others than himself, and capable of making Jihoon fall for him every goddamn time.

 

They go up the stairs, passing by Soonyoung’s floor, the latter not mentioning anything about it.

 

Jihoon is reminded of the dinner they once had— the fun conversations about anything and everything in between the tasty food and cold alcohol, the crazy drunken outbursts on the ride back home (courtesy of Jihoon), the shared talks and unspoken feelings let out that were almost intimate— the time that had ceased to exist.

 

It hurts him. Jihoon hopes Soonyoung can feel it, too.

 

“You’re awfully quiet,” Soonyoung’s voice breaks through.

 

“Aren’t I always?”

“Not around me.”

Jihoon exhales. “I’m just... thinking. Of things.”

 

Soonyoung only hums in acknowledgement, and Jihoon can’t believe he wants Soonyoung to press on about it when he doesn’t.

 

“I didn’t know you had a car.” (I know it’s your sister’s.)

Soonyoung laughs quietly. “I don’t. It’s my sister’s,” he says, as they’re walking closer to Jihoon’ door.

 

“What time is it?”

Soonyoung checks his wristwatch. “It’s six-thirty. Why?”

“Don’t you have to take care of Yuna?”

“She’s not here today,” he says. “I dropped her off at her grandma’s last night. My sister lives with our mom, so.”

Jihoon nods, and he presses the passcode in. “Up until here is fine. You can go home. Don’t worry about me.”

 

Jihoon thinks he sounds too eager to make Soonyoung leave, so he immediately adds, “You can have something to drink, if you’d like, though.”

 

Jihoon hopes he’s only imagining the look of hopefulness in Soonyoung’s eyes.

 

The brown-haired man heads immediately to turn the heater on, and then to the small kitchen. He hears Soonyoung say, “It’s my first time being in your apartment while you’re actually here.” (It’s not.)

Jihoon chuckles. “That’s because you keep breaking in when I’m not around like a creep, instead of letting me know you’re gonna stop by,” he shakes his head. “I should change the passcode.”

“I won’t do it anymore!” Soonyoung tells him. “I’m sorry~”

“You know I’m only messing with you,” Jihoon answers, before standing on the tips of his toes to open his cabinets. “I only have some water and coffee. Coke, too. Want any?”

“Coke is only good when you’re eating a meal, and I don’t like coffee,” Soonyoung says sheepishly. “Just water is fine, please.”

 

Jihoon debates on whether to give him cold water from the fridge or room temperature water, but it’s cold outside and the latter is good for your throat.

 

He walks over to Soonyoung who’s sitting on his couch, handing him the glass. Jihoon remembers they had just gotten back from the rain, so he goes to his room, grabbing a face towel and soaking it in warm water from his shower heater.

 

He squeezes it out, before dashing over to Soonyoung again. “Wha—”

He gently presses the cloth from Soonyoung’s neck and up to his face, as his other hand ruffles Soonyoung’s damp face. “You’ll get sick, you know.”

Soonyoung lets him continue his ministrations, eyes closed, and Jihoon finishes, deeming him warmed up enough now.

 

“You didn’t have to do that.”

Jihoon shakes his head. “I wanted to.”

Soonyoung gets visibly shy. “I hate you.”

“It’s the least I could have done, compared to all you’ve done for me,” Jihoon smiles. “Why are you so nice to me? I’m nothing in particular.”

“I don’t really know. Do I need a reason?” he asks, and Jihoon looks down at him, suddenly finding it hard to breathe.

 

Soonyoung smiles brilliantly up at him, before bringing a hand up to Jihoon’s face, pushing his specs properly up the bridge of his nose. He giggles, and Jihoon’s heart jumps at the sound. “Cute.”

Jihoon splutters, moving away from him. “What are you doing? Stop that.”

“I’m thinking about something— the answer to a question I have for you. Want to guess?”

Jihoon blinks. “That would be impossible. I’m not a mind reader. Just ask me.”

Soonyoung chuckles. “Do you really want to know?”

Jihoon doesn’t know why, but it makes him gulp nervously. “I… It wouldn’t hurt.”

“I was wondering if I could kiss you, you know.”

 

_ Oh. _

 

“Oh…”

 

Soonyoung can’t look at him anymore, red tinting his ears, and Jihoon can’t believe his confidence crumbled that quickly. (From 100 to 0, real fast.)

 

“Sorry. I told you you wouldn’t want to hear it.”

Jihoon holds in a breath. “You’ll never know the answer if you never try,” he tells him.

 

Soonyoung’s eyes widen, and Jihoon very well knows that by doing what he’s doing and implying what he’s implying— he’s on thin fucking ice. He’s making things harder for himself, risking this one moment that would disregard all his past efforts in all those past timelines he had gone through.

 

He had gone through all of that to believe he could deny. Jihoon believed he could deny it— everything. He believed he could deny the fact that Kwon Soonyoung is, indeed, a precious existence in his life. He believed he could deny the possibility of his multiple futures, all of which included Soonyoung in them. He believed he could deny the idea of ‘them’— Jihoon and Soonyoung— something that’s supposed to be on the verge of ‘impossible’, and yet the countless ties of fate Jihoon has unintentionally bound to the two of them pull them closer to the truth, being: Jihoon is undoubtedly destined to be with Soonyoung.

 

The thought scares him, it does. Fuck destiny, or whatever other stupid crap the world can spew.

 

But all those thoughts melt away when he feels the warmth of Soonyoung’s hand spread to the side of his face, to his jaw and to his cheek. Jihoon leans into the feeling, sinking into the touch, fluttering his eyes closed. He waits, waits, reminds himself to breathe properly through his nose, before the soft pair of lips he’s missed so bad are on his.

 

Soonyoung is sitting down while Jihoon is still on his feet— the angle should be awkward, but Soonyoung’s posture is extended upwards enough and Jihoon is leaning downwards just right.

 

The kiss is slow and easy— kind of like sitting in a solitary place outdoors and getting lost in your thoughts— that kind of feeling. It’s a sensation, not a sound, but Jihoon would describe it as hushed. Tranquil, delicate, and a lot like love.

 

Slow and easy, and yet Jihoon can feel his heart wanting to burst a hole through his chest from how fast and hard it’s going. Momentarily, he pulls away first while he can still stop himself, blushing harder when he realizes Soonyoung chases after his lips.

 

Their eyes meet, and avert quickly at the same time— it’s so silly, as if they haven’t gone further than kissing before.

 

Soonyoung coughs, hiding his face. “That stunt you pulled today… wasn’t very nice of you, you know.”

“W-What?”

“Overworking yourself to the point of fainting,” Soonyoung states, almost angry, but not quite. “You’re doing more than enough. You deserve some rest more than anyone. I hope you realize how stubborn you’re being—”

 

Jihoon cuts him off with a quick peck to his lips, enjoying the flustered look he gets after. “But I’m all good now, see? Even kissing you like this.”

“T-That’s not very polite of you, Jihoon,” Soonyoung whines.

 

Jihoon shrugs. “I’m sorry?”

“Don’t do that again. Promise me you’ll look after yourself better,” Soonyoung says, pulling Jihoon down to sit beside him on the couch, making them face each other to connect their lips again.

 

_ God _ , Jihoon thinks.  _ I would keep on going like this if I could _ .

 

He smiles against Soonyoung’s lips, marvelling at how lucky he’s gotten. “I will. You don’t have to worry about me again if you’re by my side.”

He can feel Soonyoung grin too. “I like you so much, Lee Jihoon. I think I’m going crazy,” he chuckles, wrapping his arms around him, resting his chin on Jihoon’s shoulder.

 

_ If Soonyoung’s going crazy, then Jihoon’s probably already lost his mind a long time ago _ .

 

The smaller man only litters kisses on both Soonyoung’s cheeks and finally on his lips in response.

 

He pouts. “Won’t you say it back?”

“That was already saying it back enough,” Jihoon reasons. “Do you want me to do it over and over?”

Soonyoung flushes. “I was joking, you don’t have to—”

 

He interrupts the other again, repeating his earlier actions. Soonyoung squirms away in pure laughter, and Jihoon knows he’ll never tire of the sound.

 

Soonyoung kisses him again, moving his lips with more fervor, eagerly opening his mouth, and even sticking his tongue in the other’s mouth when he finds the right momentum of confidence, eliciting a few sounds of surprise from Jihoon that he might as well just forget his own name by how much he’s enjoying this.

 

Jihoon parts from him quickly, pulling his (Soonyoung’s) hoodie off in the process. The owner of said clothing shrinks slightly. “Aren’t we going too fast?”

Jihoon throws his head back in a fit of laughter. “You horny dumbass. I just realized I’m still wearing this, so I’m giving you your rained-on hoodie back,” he retorts, making the other flush.

 

“Hey, now,” Soonyoung says, shoving it back to Jihoon. “You can keep it with you. I don’t care. And you look extra cuter wearing it.”

Jihoon doesn’t bother to argue. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Soonyoung smiles, lurching forward so that he can wrap his arms around Jihoon’s waist, making his back fall onto the couch. They remain like that for a few moments— just laying against each other’s bodies while enclosed in each other’s arms on the rather cramped sofa— but Jihoon has never felt more comfortable in his life.

 

“By the way,” the smaller man tells him, treading his fingers between Soonyoung’s hair. “I’m not pressuring you into doing anything that you would consider as ‘going too fast’, though. I’m not just in it for  _ that _ . I really like you too.”

He can feel Soonyoung hug him tighter. “We were already going fast in the first place,” he mumbles against Jihoon’s shoulder.

Jihoon hums, smiling to himself. “And happy birthday, Jihoonie,” Soonyoung adds.

 

Jihoon stills for a few seconds, before sitting up. “...How did you know?”

“I just do,” Soonyoung says, winking at him.

 

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “That’s bullshit. Seriously, though.”

“I never forgot, Jihoon,” he laughs. “I suppose you don’t remember mine?”

Jihoon avoids his gaze. “You’re not wrong,” he replies quietly, to which the other chuckles. “But if you thought about me all those years… how come you stopped? You know… contacting me. I know I’m in no place to say this since I never really tried to find you either, but you’re still so full of mysteries to me. I want to know everything about you,” he says, before pecking his lips. “Is it selfish of me to ask for that?”

“I’m sorry about that. Life goes by too fast, and I was just dragged by its current,” he says, giving him a sad smile. “And no, it’s not selfish. It’s quite possibly the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard… I don’t think that should matter as much because we’ve been brought together like this again. Fate does some odd things, doesn’t it?” he asks.

 

Jihoon wants to disagree. He wants to tell him that in this world, there is no fate nor destiny nor anything meant to be, but just Jihoon and the people like him— lying, incompetent, manipulative cheaters.

 

That’s how Jihoon has always viewed it. Time traveling was more of a curse than a blessing.

 

But if it brings him to Soonyoung— if it brings him to acceptance— if it brings him home— it should be nothing short of a miracle.

 

He doesn’t completely understand yet, nor does he think he should, but Soonyoung makes him feel as if an explanation of any sort is unnecessary.

 

“It does,” Jihoon tells him finally, making Soonyoung smile brightly.

 

“I want to know the Jihoon who is so cool and barely gets embarrassed when he tells me cheesy things,” Soonyoung whispers, chuckling, before planting a kiss on his forehead. “I want to know the Jihoon who can either sleep for 36 hours or not at all,” he then chides, flicking the same spot on Jihoon’s forehead. “I want to know the Jihoon who hates being touched in public but will cling onto you forever when you’re alone together,” he laughs, pinching Jihoon’s cheek.

 

“Do you think she’ll like me?”

“Hm? Yuna?”

Jihoon nods. “I have to get her blessing before anyone else’s, Mr. Kwon.”

Soonyoung looks at him as if Jihoon’s grown another head. “Are you thinking properly? Of course she will! She talks about you nonstop. She was the one who kept on bugging me about how nice it would be if I gave you flowers and fruits and all those messages,” he blushes. “It didn’t really help with me trying to deny my… feelings.”

 

_ We were the same this entire time _ , Jihoon realizes in awe.

 

“If that’s so,” he starts. “Then, I also want to know the Soonyoung who gets all shy because he likes me so much,” he teases, interlocking his right hand with Soonyoung’s left. “I want to know the Soonyoung who has been so strong on his own this whole time while raising his equally wonderful and beautiful daughter,” he says fondly, his heart softening at how he thinks he sees Soonyoung’s eyes get glassy. “I want to know the Soonyoung who is genuine in everything he does, who is looking at me as if I would disappear in front of him any minute now.”

 

Perhaps Jihoon has just gotten extremely lucky.

 

“...If I told you I went through time and back to decide for the right moment to be with you, would you believe me?”

Soonyoung hums for a few seconds, as if tentative of his next words. “I probably would. But then, I’d tell you that you don’t have to do it anymore. Regardless of whatever you could do, or whatever you could make me do— I’d still want to be with you. Probably love you, even. You don’t have to wait for the right moments because sometimes you just have to make things right yourself, you know? There is no right or wrong time for anything— just the right and wrong decisions.”

 

Jihoon is speechless, to say the least. He can’t think of anything other than how much he loves this man in front of him.

 

“...Would it be appropriate for me to say that I’ll be taking this moment to kiss you real hard and show you my love all night?”

“J-Jihoon!” Soonyoung exclaims, turning a deep shade of scarlet.

 

“I’m joking,” Jihoon giggles. “You didn’t take it as one, though. I might consider it if you’re gonna get all flustered like this.”

Soonyoung hides his face in his hands. “I can’t believe you, Lee Jihoon,” he whines embarrassedly, but Jihoon doesn’t fail to notice his radiant laughter.

 

Strangely, it reminds Jihoon exactly of the Soonyoung that time in the warmly lit restaurant, conversing and laughing and living— not giving much of a damn about the world.

 

“You should probably head back to your place. You got yourself into so much trouble because of me today.”

Jihoon knows Soonyoung is about to protest, so he gives him a  _ look _ and Soonyoung immediately shrinks down in dejection. “Okay,” he says with a pout.

 

Jihoon walks him back, muttering something about not wanting Yuna to get picked up late tomorrow morning because of her dad (to which Soonyoung reacts to with a light wack on Jihoon’s shoulder), and Soonyoung steals a peck on the mouth before he gets inside his unit.

 

(Jihoon doesn’t think too much of the day as he lays in bed before drifting off to some hard-earned good night’s sleep. He’ll never know if it accidentally enables him to do it all over again and Jihoon would much rather jump off a cliff than do that.)

  
  
  


———

  
  


The next morning, Jihoon receives a message from Wonwoo. He’s wishing him a happy birthday and tells him he’s off work today, in case he isn’t aware. For the short amount of time Wonwoo’s known him (technically speaking, Jihoon’s known him longer), Jihoon thinks he’s being too sweet, really.

 

Of course, Jihoon is kind of pissed he can’t work (curse his soul, he’s a workaholic), but he starts smiling dumbly to himself when he remembers the eventful last night.

 

Soonyoung’s words really get him thinking, too. Jihoon’s chest makes a ruckus when he remembers him say “Probably love you, even,” and Jihoon concludes that his own emotions aren’t too far from that. Listening to him would definitely gain Jihoon a few lessons or two, and it’s kind of amazing how Soonyoung has given him the best advice he’s received even without the context of time travel.

 

_ There is no right or wrong time for anything— just the right and wrong decisions _ .

 

Jihoon shudders at the idea of ever admitting the truth. He’s sure he had an epiphany last night, but now he’s just starting to doubt himself once again.

 

_ Breathe _ , Jihoon tells himself.  _ Just take Soonyoung’s advice. Stop manipulating the time and you won’t have to feel guilty again _ .

 

Jihoon convinces himself that and he actually buys it for a while. And for a while, actually just a few minutes, before he starts feeling dread again.

 

Isn’t all this time travel business part of who he is? Who is he if he’s not the Jihoon who is too reckless for his own good and that of others? Who is he if he’s not the Jihoon who can replay a moment of his time in a heartbeat?

 

He contemplates texting Soonyoung, seeking some comfort of any sense, but decides not to when he realizes it’s only 7 in the morning.

 

His father texts him a happy birthday as well, and he gets a call from his mother right after. He decides to pay them a visit today, figuring he really has nothing much else to do. It’s a rather spontaneous last minute plan, but hearing them get excited about seeing him again is all Jihoon needs to put his mind to it.

 

As if on cue, Jihoon receives a message from the man occupying his thoughts, getting a good morning and a happy birthday and some lovely (and much needed) birthday wishes.

 

Soonyoung asks him about any plans he has today, and apologizes about not being able to be there with him on such a special day. Jihoon replies to him to tell him not to worry about it because the company last night was more than enough, and that he’s going home to see his family. Jihoon finds the following response of heart emojis from Soonyoung endearing, and he can already imagine the blush on the other’s face.

 

_ Cute _ , Jihoon fondly thinks.

  
  


———

  
  


The days that follow aren’t anything out of the ordinary. In fact, they feel too different from the rest of Jihoon’s days.

 

Because, for a period in his life, he feels like he’s living life like everyone else does: normally.

 

Jihoon arrives at his workplace every weekday on 8:30 AM sharp, smiling his best not-fake smile at his present coworkers (except to Jeon Wonwoo, who deserves a quick chat more than anyone, of course) when he enters. On the mornings of Monday and Thursday, he takes his jogs at 6. He runs into Soonyoung taking Yuna to school by 7, and resists the urge to give him a kiss but waves at both of them instead with the usual “Good morning,” partnered with a smile.

 

Jihoon ends his shift much earlier now, too, and leaves the building by 3PM. Occasionally, Soonyoung will invite him out for an evening jog, too, despite the very “winter is coming” breeze of the wind recently.

 

More often than not, they take a few detours here and there, sneaking a few makeout sessions hidden in a few alleys. Once, Soonyoung returned home to Yuna with some ice cream as an apology for getting back later than promised.

 

“Then maybe I won’t mind Papa staying out late with Mr. Jihoon if he’ll bring me back home ice cream,” she says once, and Soonyoung tells Jihoon about it while they’re on another run.

 

(Needless to say, Jihoon gets them both lost that night from taking a little bit  _ too _ many detours. He offers to pay as they choose the best flavor for the big tub of ice cream and Soonyoung whines about how this will get Yuna a sore throat. Jihoon shuts him up with a kiss while they’re in the middle of the mart’s frozen aisle and that’s enough bribery for the taller man.)

 

Right now, Jihoon has a job he doesn’t quite hate. He has one good friend who also happens to be his only good coworker, but they enjoy making fun of their other officemates during lunch break anyway. He’s making enough money for his apartment’s upkeep, still leaving some spare for him to save up, meaning he won’t have to get another job like he had thought he needed to.

 

As if that wasn’t enough, the caring, thoughtful, loving  _ and _ hot boyfriend he has is quite possibly the cherry on top. Said boyfriend has an equally lovable daughter too, and Jihoon’s soft spots are enabled just for her.

 

It’s all happening too quickly that Jihoon should be overwhelmed, but he hasn’t at all noticed how slowly or quickly time flies by ever since he stopped his bad habit of abusing his time travel.

 

He kept true to Soonyoung’s words, and Jihoon realizes how happiness has always been this simple. He could find it in the smallest of things— when Soonyoung smiles against his lips in the middle of a kiss, when Yuna asks him to sing a song for her, when his mother speaks joyfully every time he calls to ask about both of them— Jihoon can’t believe how hard he’s been on himself for the rest of his life.

 

It’s a change, yes— but what was normal for everyone else just always hasn’t been normal for Jihoon.

 

He has yet to accept this alternate reality, has yet to leave his multiples pasts behind as they are.

 

In the blink of an eye, a little over a month has passed since that night Soonyoung had kissed Jihoon when they came back from the hospital under the rain.

 

Because currently, much to Jihoon’s chagrin, it’s the morning of his Christmas Eve party— something he would never even consider throwing in his twenty-eight years of life, but got persuaded by some cute antics anyway (courtesy of Kwon Soonyoung and their conversation of “You need more friends.” “I  _ do _ have friends, excuse me?” “Then I need to meet them and you’ll meet mine.” “And then we announce our relationship? What are we, a married couple in the wealthy suburbs who invite our snobby neighbors for some frog for dinner?” “Yes, we announce our relationship, we are Soonyoung and Jihoon.”)

 

Except it is the morning of Jihoon’s Christmas Eve party and unexpectedly, he’s on his bed, holding a rather troubled-seeming Soonyoung in his arms.

 

The latter had called him at the wee hour of 4 earlier, saying nothing but “Jihoon, can I go visit you? Right now?” and Jihoon immediately agrees before Soonyoung hangs up.

 

Thirty minutes have passed since Soonyoung arrived and had Jihoon hold him, but they haven’t said anything at all.

 

Soonyoung isn’t crying, but he sucks in a few shaky breaths occasionally, the sound making Jihoon’s heart break. He does seem to have been crying previously, though.

 

Jihoon clears his throat. “Soonyoung?” he starts gently.

 

Soonyoung hums, so he continues. “Look at me, please?”

Soonyoung raises his head to look at him— he looks like he hasn’t gotten any sleep at all, and the usual sparkle in his eyes are gone, leaving them dull. Jihoon is speechless, but caresses his cheek. “Can you tell me what happened?”

Soonyoung forces a small smile. “Promise me you’ll listen, okay?”

“I will.”

“It’s about Yuna,” he whispers.

 

Jihoon blinks, nodding at him to go on, though slightly confused and worried as to what could’ve happened to her to make him this ruined. “Yeah?”

Soonyoung buries his face in Jihoon’s neck again. “Last night, she… I asked her about any wishes she wanted for Christmas,” he mumbles, but Jihoon understands because of their proximity. “She said… she told me she wanted to meet her mom… even just once. Before she turns 10, she said, that she would want it to happen.”

Jihoon’s eyes widen. They’ve never brought this topic up between the two of them before. “Soonyoung…”

“I’m a terrible father, Jihoon,” he chuckles bitterly, and Jihoon wants to whack that tone out of Soonyoung’s body.

 

Frankly, he doesn’t know what to say to that— he doesn’t know anything about Yuna’s mother either. Jihoon knows that it shouldn’t, but the thought of her settles into jealousy at the pit of his stomach.

 

“To be honest, I don’t even know where she is,” he says, voice fading and before Jihoon can register it he feels something wet and warm on his shoulder. “S-Shitty, right? I know she’s in the country, but, I don’t know exactly where. She’s sick, you know. The last I heard of her was two years ago from her brother— stage 3 brain cancer, they said. It’s not like she’ll even know who Yuna is.”

Jihoon instinctively grips Soonyoung tighter. “I love you,” it slips, not because he has nothing to say, but because it’s what Soonyoung needs to hear.

 

“Me, too,” Soonyoung croaks. “I love you, Jihoon.”

“Yuna doesn’t need her. She has you, the best and most amazing parent every other kid in the world wishes they had, you know,” he assures Soonyoung. “We’ll talk to her about it. She’s polite and mature and independent— I’m sure she’ll understand. After all,  _ you _ raised her well.”

 

Soonyoung looks him in the eyes, and Jihoon wipes his tears away, before kissing his forehead. Jihoon isn’t even wearing his glasses right now— in his eyes, there’s nothing he can see but Soonyoung— literally.

 

“You understand?”

“Yes,” Soonyoung replies quietly, before Jihoon quickly kisses him again, on the lips this time.

 

It doesn’t take long before Soonyoung is profuse in pulling Jihoon closer, defenses too weak to say anything, but Jihoon understands. If anything, seeing Soonyoung like that, unlike how he always is— Jihoon doesn’t even have to know to understand that he loves this part of him, too.

 

The kisses they share are long and full that Soonyoung gasps in between them, forgetting to breathe every now and then, dizzy from pleasure. Jihoon would stop time except for the two of them— just their shortness of breath, intertwined hands, bodies close, hearts closer.

 

Jihoon wishes for the rest of his mornings to be spent full of love— love a lot like this one.

  
  


———

  
  


To be honest, Jihoon doesn’t remember most of the party after that incident, because he can only focus on Soonyoung.

 

He had invited Mingyu, Mingyu’s boyfriend Seungkwan, Wonwoo— and that’s pretty much it. Soonyoung invited three of his friends who lived nearby, too— Junhui, Minghao, and Minghao’s cousin Jieqiong.

 

(Jihoon doesn’t know why he’s surprised at Soonyoung’s closest friends being foreigners.)

 

They all laugh and talk and have a bit of fun (the most G-rated fun people in their mid-20’s can have, because Yuna is with them), and Jihoon likes to believe he would have had enjoyed it a lot, too, if it weren’t for the thought of Soonyoung constantly bugging at him.

 

Soonyoung, meanwhile, had been very cheery and enthusiastic, and seemed much more like the host than Jihoon— very Soonyoung of him.

 

Soonyoung was probably already okay, yeah, but Jihoon couldn’t help but think he could do something about it to help. It, being, Yuna wanting to meet her mom.

 

The announcement of them being exclusively seeing each other doesn’t faze anyone at all, but they’re met with a cheer of congratulations anyway. (Junhui, Minghao, and Jieqiong later tell Jihoon that Soonyoung had already spoiled about their relationship to them, the idiot.)

 

The night ends with Soonyoung’s friends offering to take care of Yuna for the meanwhile, making waggy eyebrows at them to spend the night together, but they both flusteredly decide against it.

 

It’s late, now, the two of them done cleaning up the afterparty while Yuna is asleep on the couch.

 

“I have something to tell you,” Soonyoung approaches Jihoon, out of the blue.

 

“What is it?”

“I’ve always known, Jihoon. Don’t worry so much.”

 

Jihoon freezes, confused as to what Soonyoung could be implying. Always known? Known what?

 

“Known what?”

“That someone like you would come in my life someday,” he smiles genuinely. “Yuna’s mother’s brother was my best friend. He died last year,” he says, pausing but continues. “He was an odd one, that boy. Lee Chan. He was actually just an adopted child, you know. He reminds me of you.”

 

Jihoon feels his breath hitch involuntarily. “He used to tell everyone that he could guess the future accurately. One time, he told me, in the winter of my 28th year, I would meet someone again. They would be someone I already knew. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be you.”

 

It’s a weird feeling, something that surges through him, but Jihoon can’t help but finally realize maybe they were fated, after all.

 

There was never anything wrong with a potential relationship with Soonyoung, Jihoon realizes. The only part that scared him, that shouldn’t have had, was the past. Jihoon had always gotten himself in relationships the same way— through time traveling— and they all ended predictably, that Jihoon was never really significantly hurt. He knew from the beginning they weren’t meant to last anyway, but he still tried his best to love.   
  
So when he got involved with Soonyoung, Jihoon thought it would be the same as before— he wanted to immediately end whatever they had started that night.   
  
But, Soonyoung, Jihoon soon discovers (the difficult way), is a persistent one. Even with the latter’s utmost efforts to erase any trace of familiarity between them, Soonyoung was a force to be reckoned with that not even time could defeat, indeed.   
  
What a strange thing it is.   
  


“Hm. That’s odd. Do you believe in destiny?” Jihoon asks him.

 

“Honestly? It doesn’t matter,” he laughs, the sound tinkling, as he pulls Jihoon closer by his waist, in the middle of the latter’s kitchen.

 

“Soonyoung, I was asking you a question.”

“And that was my answer! If you think destiny is against us, then fuck that. I would do anything to be with you. As long as the stars shine, anything is possible,” he says goofily, a smile following after.

 

Jihoon rolls his eyes playfully. “You shine brighter than all of them combined,” he says, and pulls him down for a kiss.

 

Soonyoung shakes his head into it. “You silly romantic.”

 

Brilliant, aglow, resplendent— that’s how every Soonyoung is to every Jihoon.

**Author's Note:**

> this story was supposed to be much more longer, probably more than 30k, and it would include more of the other characters, but i had to cut off some parts and end it here or else i would probably go crazy by now that’s why if it sounds so rushed or incomplete i’m truly sorry T_T the premise is mediocre tbh but thank you for reading up to the end seriously. thank u once again hdhdhf i appreciate if you left a comment
> 
> after this, i am taking a break from writing. life has been HWEHWHWH in just every way possible and i'm sorry if it's evident in my recent writing. you can check on me on twitter @prlnceksy (although i am taking a hiatus on there as well soon). shoutout to miss andy who beta read the very first few parts of this for me back in like november lmao. bye ily i hope things are better when i come back <3


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